The Default Trap

Many of you know by now that this blog site is a personal journey. It’s a place for me to capture my thoughts about my thoughts and reflect on the highs and lows of my life and even dream a little about what I’d like my future to look like. Of course, within the context of my walk with Christ.

What I am about to write, may sound a bit strange considering I was married (on paper) for 14 years, but can probably count one hand, how often I felt truly content in that relationship. At best, I was probably truly happy a half a dozen times. The first was on my wedding day and two other times, represent the days that my children were born. And the fourth was probably the day that I knew the marriage was officially over. I’d have to sit and think about the two additional times, if there were any.

There are so many things that I could unpack about that relationship and how it came to be, but that would highjack what I really wanted to say in this particular post. I think what I am trying to say is that I have had a lot of time to think since the separation and ultimately the divorce. First, I never felt grounded in that marriage. I always felt deep down that it was incomplete. Which is probably the reason, I couldn’t mourn the ending of that chapter of my life.

Now that there is some distance between myself and that relationship, the wind has returned. The desire to move and go somewhere else has returned but the way forward isn’t as clear as it was when we decided to move here. I am not even sure if moving is even the answer or if it’s just that I want to belong, or that I need to belong somewhere or to someone.

These past five years have been filled with accommodating my son and doing my best to keep my daughter’s life as normal as possible, not giving much thought to what might be fulfilling to me or what would keep me grounded. I just know that I am not grounded here. You see that is the default trap. Always in the in between. Never settled or sure. I want to be settled. I need to be settled.

I know that there is a place for me, for us. I just need for God to make it plain. I want to know where we should plant ourselves. I don’t want to pass on, an unsettled spirit to my children. While we wait, I am going to continue to trust in what he has already provided until the time comes for us to go or stay. Soon, I will know.

Until it’s time,

AngelaChristine