Where do I belong? Where should we go? Should we just buy an RV and travel from state to state? Those are questions, I ask myself almost daily. You see when Ethan was alive, we knew. We knew where we had to be and when. But now, we’re nomads. Anchored only to the belief that, if we live faithfully we will be reunited with our Ethan someday.
When I show up online, people see the bright shiny Angela doing her best to serve and inspire. What they don’t see is the pain, that still permeates my heart. Though it’s been nearly four months, I am still not okay that he is gone. I will likely never be.
I guess what I struggle so deeply with is the not knowing. Why he had to go and not me? Why am I still here to mourn the sweetest, purest heart that I was blessed to nurture and care for? What lessons does God want me to know? Why do I still not have the faith of Job? Why do I still not know where I belong?
I started the “75 Hard Challenge” on May 9, and knock on wood, I’ve been able to meet the challenge so far. But one of the things that I am learning or I guess I have had to face is the me looking back at me in the mirror. Truth is, this is a mental challenge and it has brought forth some hard truths. Number one, I am not in control, God is and He is the ultimate decision maker. For me to think otherwise is arrogant and rebellious. Two, He loves me and has only the best plan laid out for me as long as I listen to his voice and step out of the drivers seat and sit in the passengers seat where I belong.
Three, Job was not blessed abundantly because he did not sin, but because he never wavered in his belief that God was the giver of all that he had and that He would provide and was worthy of praise, no matter the circumstances. He just trusted and believed, even when he lost all of his children in one day! He grieved but did not stop trusting God. That is the lesson, right?
Just like Job, I may never know why God has allowed me to experience so much grief over the years. But what I do know is that, God has a plan for me, not one of evil, but a future and a hope. I just have to believe that He will and to live my life according to will and to seek His counsel daily.
“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” I Peter 5:10
In Christian love,
What occupies your mind? Does your work align with your values and beliefs?
I spent nearly 24 years of my life trading my time for a paycheck. In that time, I sacrificed what was most important, not because i wanted to, but because I thought that I had no choice. Ultimately, my only son died as a result of choices that I thought we right, but later learned that they were wrong, it was a hazard of the profession that I had chosen.
Since my son’s death I have had many sleepless nights and more time to study the Bible and to remember what my purpose is here on this earth. I have had the opportunity to speak to my sisters in Christ about maintaining their physical health and the best gift was witnessing my daughter commit her life to Christ through baptism into his kingdom. Acts 2:38.
We only get one life and in the grand scheme of it all, it is short. So while there is still breath in my body, I will heed the advice of King Solomon, who penned, “ The end of the matter, all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil.”
So again, I ask, “what occupies your mind?”
I apologize that I have skipped a few weeks of writing. My mind has been elsewhere with taking care of children and building a business. It seems that when I try to write, the words don’t flow as freely as they once did. I guess I am too often in my head.
I am too often in my head because I prioritize myself instead of you, the people who have been so kind and supportive of this blog. So, let me say this, you are all in my thoughts and I will be releasing new material soon. Until then, know that this space has been a blessing to me as I continue to grow outside of my comfort zone.
Even when we know we’ve outgrown our shell there is something comforting that keeps us holding on. I find myself in that space more often than I would like to be. But it’s time and there is still so much more that I want and need to say.
In Christian love,
Most people spend a lifetime working and building someone else’s dream. Planning one’s life around two weeks of vacation and that three percent raise. Oh and then there is the retirement, annual meetings to make sure you have enough to last through your golden years. That was me until I got divorced.
I mean I was comfortable climbing the corporate ladder. It was okay to have a company car, travel and vacation once or twice a year; but when I was faced with two life altering experiences, autism and epilepsy followed by divorce. I had to rethink what I thought made sense because in my new life, it no longer made sense.
So I made a decision to walk away from my comfort zone. To push myself out on the edge, because now that I am 50, sitting in the easy chair, isn’t easy. It’s hard, it’s lonely and it’s meaningless. Serving others gives meaning. Six years ago, I moved to Georgia for the sake of my son. I asked my daughter to make a sacrifice and my husband at the time to do the same. The transition was harder than I imagined, painful actually. The struggle was real. We endured and we still endure. My children and I endure, my ex-husband decided he was done, so he moved on.
But there is light, fortunately there is always light, if you’re willing to walk into it. So I did. I decided that time and financial freedom were worth every bit of pain and sorrow I’ve experienced these past six years. What I have to look forward is only going to get better. Not because I have a crystal ball, but because I finally get to do the one thing that really matters, and that is to love and to serve.
Today, I received a comment on a post from one of the individuals, I have been fortunate to serve through Plexus. She reminded me as to why I love this job so much. It is to give hope through health, gut health specifically. I don’t have to create the products, I just have to share how everyone can benefit, if taken properly and consistently. That was just the boost that I needed to push myself these final weeks of 2021. So I will. Will you join me?
“But the word is very near you. It is in your mouth and in your heart, so that you can do it.” Deuteronomy 30:14
It is and I will do it!
In Christian love,
I get so caught up in my own head at times to the point that I forget my purpose. I was not put on this planet to be busy doing things, but to spend my days in service to God and my neighbors. God’s plan is so simple, that it’s almost too hard. It requires selflessness and as a human, preserving self is our highest priority. Our culture is obsessed with self. Including me at times.
Please don’t misunderstand what I am saying, loving one’s self is important, it is. Loving oneself protects us from harm and hurt. But in today’s culture it has become almost a religion to the point where a whole industry, if you will has developed from it. We don’t see ourselves through the lens of our Creator, and that is a very sad and deceitful thing. Why? Because man is fickle and foolish at times. “The Bible says, “there is a way that seems right to a man, but it’s end is the way of death.” Proverbs 14:12.
And though it isn’t wrong to pursue self improvement, it is wrong to make it our highest goal. Becoming saved and living a saved and sanctified life is, as Christians. But there are times, when help is needed to get out of our own way for a specific purpose and season, which will look differently for each person, because we are after all individuals.
I have personally invested in a business leadership coach to help me grow my network marketing business and to identify my niche. It was worth it! But here is the thing, I chose to work with a sister in Christ, because her course was in alignment with the word of God and that is to serve. She believed as do I that you can lead a team of people and glorify God at the same time. They are not mutually exclusive nor should they be. And to be honest that is all it takes.
When I focus on my feelings and thoughts on myself, I don’t write or serve. But when I make it my priority to lean into God, all the things I desire to do happen. My life is hard as a divorced mom of two, raising a neuro typical child and a child with autism on my own. But when I put all of my trust in God, check my heart and remain consistent, He blesses us in a mighty way. So, each day I will wake and remind myself to lean into Him because that is truly all it takes.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” Proverbs 3:5
In Christian love,
It occurred to me that I haven’t written in quite some time. Not because I can’t but because I haven’t nurtured this space as I have needed to do. In this season of busyness, it was important for me to sit down for a few moment to capture a few thoughts, particularly around the topic of consistency.
Two weeks ago, I made the conscious decision to walk away from my 23 year career, well actually almost 24 years in the pharmaceutical industry. There are several reasons, the primary one being what is happening in the world today. It has been quite painful to watch regulations not be followed, people not receiving full informed consent and governments across the world manipulating its citizens to take a medical intervention that they do not want. This has been excruciatingly painful to see. And let’s not even forget about trying to open the eyes of the people I love and care about to these crimes. It has been utterly heartbreaking.
But to my original point about being consistent in all things. Consistency in my walk with Jesus, growing my faith, pouring into my business with godly intention and raising up my children to love the Lord will all of their very beings, is what I can do. And one important piece of that is writing this blog. So, while I may touch on different topics or ideas, my heart is always to serve and it is my prayer that what I put out into this world serves.
In my opinion, there is no greater gift that I can give than to serve in love.
What I try not to remember, is exactly what I need to remember, not to relive it or even give it a place in my life, but to finally say “I am done, these memories no longer serve me.” It is time to say goodbye and bury them once and for all.
Since my surgery six weeks ago, bits and pieces of past trauma have crept up into my brain. Almost taunting me to give up a little more of my protection, my shield, my independence. These feelings are so foreign to me now because I have built up a hard shell almost impenetrable to anyone even my children.
At some point in my childhood or maybe as a teenager, when I don’t remember, I made a decision, perhaps self-consciously or otherwise that emotion and feelings were for the weak. Maybe it started when my childhood friend, James committed suicide when I was in the ninth grade. That was my very first experience with death. I can remember that day, like it was yesterday, the kick in my stomach when the words rolled out of my dad’s mouth.
Or perhaps it was the following year, when the funniest guy in my class, Mark, was killed in a car accident, while joyriding with some of our classmates. He was the only in that crash, who did not survive. Then there was my dad’s promotion that required him to relocate at the start of my junior year in high school. New state, new school, no real friends. Once again, another layer of protection applied.
Somehow I managed to get through college and graduate school and start my career before the people closest to me began to die. My aunt Martha, Nana and the ultimate blow, my mom. Of course by the time my mom died the shell around my heart was titanium or some substance that only God could pierce, but only when I wanted him too.
What I have determined is that I do a great job of compartmentalizing to prevent myself from collapsing into the sheer pain of it all. To allow myself to feel that pain would leave me vulnerable and open in a way that would let the world know that I am really not as strong as I want everyone to believe that I am.
I am at my core, the woman that always wanted someone besides my mother and father to say everything is going to be just fine, with conviction. For my husband to say you have a purpose, a hope and a future designed by God. He (God) is standing in the doorway waiting for me to finally give it all to Him.
Though my legs are still wobbly and weak from these weeks of recovery, I will trust in Him. His plans for my life. I will stand in that space until all the pain and sadness have been stripped away from my heart and my mind.
For I know the plans, I have for you declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
In Christian love,
Let me be clear, I am not speaking of political affiliation here, but instead I am speaking in terms of right versus wrong. Since the beginning of history, man has always tried to change God’s natural law to accommodate his own desires, today is no different.
Remember this, an immoral nation is doomed to fail. Without a moral society, there is no liberty.
Woe to those who call evil good
and good evil,
who put darkness for light
and light for darkness,
who put bitter for sweet
and sweet for bitter! Isaiah 5:20
I’ve been praying and asking God, to help me understand why people are rushing out to get a jab that is unapproved, has never been used before in humans and doesn’t have any long term safety or efficacy data available; but then I was reminded of this important fact. You see, the word pharmaceutical comes from the Greek word, pharmakeia, which means sorcery.
It is my belief that the spell was cast through the consumption of the news and being told how deadly and dangerous this virus was on a 24/7 news cycle. When the mind hears something over and over again, eventually it perceives it as the truth. Which is why facts about the jab have been virtually ignored. You see this is why I make it a point to not watch the news.
Contrary to what you may believe, there is no greater good when it comes to the government. There is an agenda to destroy our Constitutional Republic and if there is any chance for survival, we need to return to God and beg Him for forgiveness. He is the only one who can stop what is happening and what is coming.
Hear this well, the window is closing but there is still hope.
In Christian love,