It occurred to me that I haven’t written in quite some time. Not because I can’t but because I haven’t nurtured this space as I have needed to do. In this season of busyness, it was important for me to sit down for a few moment to capture a few thoughts, particularly around the topic of consistency.
Two weeks ago, I made the conscious decision to walk away from my 23 year career, well actually almost 24 years in the pharmaceutical industry. There are several reasons, the primary one being what is happening in the world today. It has been quite painful to watch regulations not be followed, people not receiving full informed consent and governments across the world manipulating its citizens to take a medical intervention that they do not want. This has been excruciatingly painful to see. And let’s not even forget about trying to open the eyes of the people I love and care about to these crimes. It has been utterly heartbreaking.
But to my original point about being consistent in all things. Consistency in my walk with Jesus, growing my faith, pouring into my business with godly intention and raising up my children to love the Lord will all of their very beings, is what I can do. And one important piece of that is writing this blog. So, while I may touch on different topics or ideas, my heart is always to serve and it is my prayer that what I put out into this world serves.
In my opinion, there is no greater gift that I can give than to serve in love.
What I try not to remember, is exactly what I need to remember, not to relive it or even give it a place in my life, but to finally say “I am done, these memories no longer serve me.” It is time to say goodbye and bury them once and for all.
Since my surgery six weeks ago, bits and pieces of past trauma have crept up into my brain. Almost taunting me to give up a little more of my protection, my shield, my independence. These feelings are so foreign to me now because I have built up a hard shell almost impenetrable to anyone even my children.
At some point in my childhood or maybe as a teenager, when I don’t remember, I made a decision, perhaps self-consciously or otherwise that emotion and feelings were for the weak. Maybe it started when my childhood friend, James committed suicide when I was in the ninth grade. That was my very first experience with death. I can remember that day, like it was yesterday, the kick in my stomach when the words rolled out of my dad’s mouth.
Or perhaps it was the following year, when the funniest guy in my class, Mark, was killed in a car accident, while joyriding with some of our classmates. He was the only in that crash, who did not survive. Then there was my dad’s promotion that required him to relocate at the start of my junior year in high school. New state, new school, no real friends. Once again, another layer of protection applied.
Somehow I managed to get through college and graduate school and start my career before the people closest to me began to die. My aunt Martha, Nana and the ultimate blow, my mom. Of course by the time my mom died the shell around my heart was titanium or some substance that only God could pierce, but only when I wanted him too.
What I have determined is that I do a great job of compartmentalizing to prevent myself from collapsing into the sheer pain of it all. To allow myself to feel that pain would leave me vulnerable and open in a way that would let the world know that I am really not as strong as I want everyone to believe that I am.
I am at my core, the woman that always wanted someone besides my mother and father to say everything is going to be just fine, with conviction. For my husband to say you have a purpose, a hope and a future designed by God. He (God) is standing in the doorway waiting for me to finally give it all to Him.
Though my legs are still wobbly and weak from these weeks of recovery, I will trust in Him. His plans for my life. I will stand in that space until all the pain and sadness have been stripped away from my heart and my mind.
For I know the plans, I have for you declares the Lord, plans for wholeness and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
I debated writing this post because being vulnerable is excruciatingly difficult for me. Even within my inner circle, sharing a day in my life isn’t easy. Not because I can’t share or even that I don’t want to share, but in my mind it feels as though I am not handling “it” and to me that is an admission that I am failing.
But, it goes deeper. I never want to seem like I am complaining. Even when my mother died (who happened to be the closest person to me in the world, my sister in Christ and very best friend), I compartmentalized her death until the thing next to her death, I had ever experienced happened. My son’s first seizure at my dad’s wedding. The one person that I needed to hold me up wasn’t there so I collapsed to the floor, I’m a heap of tears, hearing my family calling my name, my dad praying over my son, but in those painful moments waiting for the ambulance to arrive to take us to Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital, I was in effect unresponsive. I had lost the ability to speak.
I had no idea at the time, what that was going to mean for my son and his future. But I can assure you, the years following have been anything but a cake walk.
Since that day, I have endured many more hospitalizations with my son, a big move, a divorce and most recently, cancer. People, like to say that, God will never put on you more than you can handle, but here is where I disagree. That statement is nowhere in the Bible, and two life has given me a whole lot that I haven’t handled… well. You see, I just compartmentalize and figure out how to do it myself, because if I don’t, I am a failure. By the way, that isn’t in the Bible either.
I guess, what I want you to know is in this moment, my life is hard, it is messy and today was not a very good day. Ethan’s nanny didn’t come because she was sick, the full moon last night set off seizures for Ethan and I tried to work (my job) and manage my son’s care while simultaneously trying to be mindful of my own recovery.
I am grateful for the daughter that I have, who has had to sacrifice more than any child her age ever should because were she not here, this day could have been far worse. Her presence kept both of us from going to the hospital today.
You’ve probably surmised by now, that my life is in no way conventional or sane. So, if anyone asks, this is why I want more than anything for my health and wellness business to grow. There is no job, that I could ever do that will ever accommodate the unpredictability of my life.
I’ve been praying and asking God, to help me understand why people are rushing out to get a jab that is unapproved, has never been used before in humans and doesn’t have any long term safety or efficacy data available; but then I was reminded of this important fact. You see, the word pharmaceutical comes from the Greek word, pharmakeia, which means sorcery.
It is my belief that the spell was cast through the consumption of the news and being told how deadly and dangerous this virus was on a 24/7 news cycle. When the mind hears something over and over again, eventually it perceives it as the truth. Which is why facts about the jab have been virtually ignored. You see this is why I make it a point to not watch the news.
Contrary to what you may believe, there is no greater good when it comes to the government. There is an agenda to destroy our Constitutional Republic and if there is any chance for survival, we need to return to God and beg Him for forgiveness. He is the only one who can stop what is happening and what is coming.
Hear this well, the window is closing but there is still hope.
This morning before I started my Bible study, I started to think about where we are as a nation and my heart began to grieve. I thought to myself, how can I say that I love God, with all heart and all my soul and hate my neighbor. Please don’t misunderstand my message here, I don’t have to condone or support behaviors that are in violation of God’s law, I will not do that, but I can love you and show you kindness because that is what God does for me daily. God is the creator and Jesus died for every single one of us on this planet. It is through his blood that we can have salvation.
So, that made me think again as to why there is this push and desire to segregate ourselves. Who benefits from division and segregation? It certainly isn’t me or anyone else that I know. Hear me out, we aren’t going to agree on everything, because all of us come from different backgrounds and experiences. In my case, my Christian faith supersedes every man made philosophy or belief system because it is imperfect and very likely against God’s will for my life. Let me be clear here, if we have disagreements on certain topics, I can assure you, it will not be based on the color of your skin. God has already addressed this in Acts 17:26 and Romans 2:11& 12. Besides, I have too many friends that look nothing like me, that have been by my side many times when I needed them. If we can’t get past all of this color/race nonsense of one race being superior/ inferior to another then we are absolutely doomed as a nation.
It is my prayer that we can one day have in our hearts to be united as Americans instead of unhappy, warring tribes.
I see color. Just like everyone else in the world. When I meet someone I notice immediately the color of their skin, their hair color and sometimes their eye color. To say that I don’t see color would be ignorant and a failure to acknowledge the person standing in front of me.
What I don’t do is decide that they are a certain way before I get to know them based on their physical appearance. In other words, I make a point not to make assumptions until I’ve had an opportunity to get to know them. If upon further interaction I discover that we just don’t jive, it’s not because of their skin color, it’s simply because we have nothing in common, or their character is not compatible with mine; which in my opinion should be the only measure. I mean we don’t get along with every person in our same ethnic group, do we?
You see the problem with making judgments about someone based on skin is this, color or race is not indicative of the type of person one is. Sure, people share commonalities amongst race and ethnicity. But that may be where it ends. You may find that although you may share many of the same features, there might not be one thing you share in common that would make you want to spend time with that person or that, that person would want to spend time with you, outside of the obvious.
In 2021, that very much seems to be the case for me. Due to the turn my life has taken, many of my deep meaningful relationships are with people that look nothing like me. But our lives intersect in several key areas. Number one, our values are similar. We were raised in traditional homes, where our father’s were the primary breadwinners. We’re college educated and well traveled. But the main reason our lives are so intertwined is because we share the experience of raising vaccine injured children.
Through our life experiences, we have forged strong friendships that transcend color and race. We support each other, have lunch and sometimes travel to visit each other. We may not be climbing the corporate ladder in our careers, or globe trotting with our families, but when it comes to knowing diet, nutritional supplements, treatments and therapies that work best for our our children and spotting corruption from miles away these friends are hands down the best.
Oh and did I mention that we represent every race and ethnicity there is? I refer to every single one of them by their name, never their race. Even when I mention one of them outside of our community (or inside), I can’t remember saying that so and so is white, black or purple. They have names and personalities.
So, while the rest of America goes through the cultural revolution (or dissolution), of division along color lines, we’re going to stick together, support one another and continue to heal our kids. It’s what we do.
You see when I stand before God at judgment, I’m pretty certain he won’t condemn me to hell for not being “black” enough; my condemnation will come from not living a set apart, Christ centered life. In other words, not enough Christ in me. I’m just not woke enough to participate in the dissolution of our republic and I’m pretty certain, I never will be.
And he made from one man, every nation of mankind to live on all the face of the earth, having allotted periods and the boundaries of their dwelling place, that they should seek God, in the hope that they might feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each one of us. Acts 17:26&27
This afternoon was a first. The first time, my son has experienced a seizure while doing his most favorite thing to do on the playground and that is to swing. Sure, he has had a seizure while we were out hiking. But today was different my son fell off the swing on the playground on his face and had a seizure. That is the side of the story that you don’t see.
Sure, I make it look like everything is under control. I show up and I smile on social media, because I have too, but on days like this one, I truly want to scream. I want to scream because of all that my son has had to endure and what he continues to endure because of my ignorance, when it came to vaccines. It’s true, seizures are a side effect of vaccines and a whole host of other issues, such as cancer in children.
But I digress. Our country is changing and not for the better. Every value that you may currently hold dear is slipping away because everyone has decided that compliance is safe and the government would never harm it’s people. You are wrong! The government would and is harming it’s people for the so called “greater good.” And I refuse to allow myself or my children to be subjected to such calculated unrelenting evil.
So, while my day to day experiences may be of no concern to you, please know that what I experience may soon become the norm, not only in children, but in adults, who could have said no, but chose not to out of fear instead of knowledge.
You have been warned and prayed for, but if you continue down this path, please do not look to me for answers. I will be too busy doing what I always do and that is protecting and providing for my children with every fiber of my being. I just pray that there is still time for you.