When my life doesn’t reflect Jesus Christ, I have to ask myself why isn’t he enough? I am sure that most Christians have asked themselves that question at some point on their journey too; so in that respect I am not alone. But why? What keeps us from full devotion and commitment, when Jesus has given us salvation through the shedding of his blood. How do we look at the Messiah, who bore all the sins of the world on the cross and still think or act like he is not enough?
Obviously, I know that he is more than enough, that he is perfect and divine. A light so bright that the world could not contain him. But when I sit down at the end of day and question whether my life truly reflects him, what I see, at times is not his reflection but my own.
It is not easy being a single parent, let alone the single parent of a child with special needs. While also trying to parent a child who just wants to live a typical pre-teen life but can’t much of the time because of how much she has to help me. I think often of how different my children’s lives are than my own upbringing. I was raised with both my parents in a solidly Christian home, yet somehow that is not the life that I have managed to provide to my children. I ask the Lord daily to help me, to guide me to do all the things that I am required to do. But I have to admit, there are times that I am inadequate and fall short.
I know, I can never be perfect, but I can be complete through total surrender to the will of Christ. It is that space between my will and his will where I challenge him and make him not enough. I wrestle with submission, not that I know better or that I can do better, but that I haven’t learned to trust. You see, I am the one that will not leave my burdens on him, because in my mind, I should have to live with the consequences of my choices. That’s right, my choices, that were most likely not rooted in him.
I am grateful for a Savior who forgives and redeems and knows in my heart, that I love him. As a wild horse has to be broken in to be ridden, it is my prayer that from this day and for as many days as I have left, that I will finally surrender my all and make him enough.
The Bible says, “Let is hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful.” Hebrews 10:23
This morning before I started my Bible study, I started to think about where we are as a nation and my heart began to grieve. I thought to myself, how can I say that I love God, with all heart and all my soul and hate my neighbor. Please don’t misunderstand my message here, I don’t have to condone or support behaviors that are in violation of God’s law, I will not do that, but I can love you and show you kindness because that is what God does for me daily. God is the creator and Jesus died for every single one of us on this planet. It is through his blood that we can have salvation.
So, that made me think again as to why there is this push and desire to segregate ourselves. Who benefits from division and segregation? It certainly isn’t me or anyone else that I know. Hear me out, we aren’t going to agree on everything, because all of us come from different backgrounds and experiences. In my case, my Christian faith supersedes every man made philosophy or belief system because it is imperfect and very likely against God’s will for my life. Let me be clear here, if we have disagreements on certain topics, I can assure you, it will not be based on the color of your skin. God has already addressed this in Acts 17:26 and Romans 2:11& 12. Besides, I have too many friends that look nothing like me, that have been by my side many times when I needed them. If we can’t get past all of this color/race nonsense of one race being superior/ inferior to another then we are absolutely doomed as a nation.
It is my prayer that we can one day have in our hearts to be united as Americans instead of unhappy, warring tribes.
I sat in my van this afternoon and cried real tears. Not because of one thing or someone, but because I’ve been carrying weight that for most people would be too hard to carry. Sure, people admire me for what I do, they give me praise and pats on the back. In fact, just today a friend called me her hero. I don’t feel like anyone’s hero. Yesterday, another friend said something similar.
Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate being noticed and admired. But there are just times when I wish I could just hand off some of my responsibilities to someone else, not forever, but at least for a little while.
Perhaps my heart is a little heavier, because while speaking to a dear sister in Christ yesterday, I had to acknowledge that I have no plan B. It’s just God, me and my kids. I mean, if anything were to happen to me, I literally have no one in this world that I could leave my children with. This last year has taught me that. Maybe that is why the tears appeared and wouldn’t stop flowing. Even as I type this post, I feel a little teary eyed.
Life is funny in that way. At some point, you have to face the truth; our lives are truly a vapor and just like that can be gone.
So, when people ask me why I push myself so hard to build my health and wellness business, that’s easy, two words, Emily and Ethan. It is my plan ABCDEF and G. There is no greater industry than this one. It’s very foundation is love and service. God is the owner and I am merely his steward.
While I don’t always appreciate this journey, I thank God that he chose me. I thank him because he saw me and decided that I was worth saving even when I didn’t see myself as worth the trouble.
Today, was not one of my finest days, but it is far from being the worst. And if the Lord wills it, tomorrow will be another opportunity to grow closer to him and to improve upon what I got right today.
I will not give up and I will not fail. Emily and Ethan need me and I need them too.
The past two weeks have been extra tough. The fatigue that plagued me for several years came back a couple of weeks ago and hasn’t relented until today. Just to give a little context, I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s on August 1, 2018, which was exactly one month before my husband at the time texted me to let me know that essentially our marriage was done. In spite of that, I have been able to manage it without medication. However, yesterday was the first time, I have ever considered going on medication due to level of exhaustion that I have been feeling.
I don’t recall there being a specific event or activity that happened that would have thrown me off, or caused me to feel this down, but something did happen to remind me that I am not invincible and I shouldn’t expect to do it all. Which sounds completely insane to me, when I have to do it all, because there is no one else to do what I do. Or perhaps, I’m expecting more than I should. Perhaps, it should be simpler.
This is the trick about growth, sometimes when you make the decision to elevate your life, you sometimes have to tap into areas that you may not want to tap into. When I started working with my Business Leadership Coach, I knew that I would have to tackle mindset and vision, but to go to places that I had never prepared to visit has been harder than I thought it would be.
I believe that I am in the land of limiting beliefs and instead of confronting those beliefs, I have allowed my brain to use the avoidance key, so that I don’t have to tackle what I know to be true and that awareness has manifested itself in the physical of overwhelming fatigue.
An overwhelming fatigue that was finally helped by my taking a walk with my daughter this afternoon. While I chatting with her, I realized that in order for her to do the hard stuff, I have to model it for her. When my mind wants to give me the option of avoidance, I have to conscientiously say no, otherwise nothing changes and my daughter will not understand the meaning of sticking with it, even when you think that you can’t.
While I still have more mind clearing to do, I am keenly aware of the eyes that are watching me. While I may get worn from time to time, it’s okay to allow my children the opportunity to see that I am fallible and that I am still learning too. I am learning to walk closer to Jesus and to leave my burdens with him. I am building my confidence by adjusting my habits and my expectations. I am giving myself grace when I fall a bit short and I have accepted that breaks are necessary to prevent the overwhelm and burnout.
My journey has only just begun and I will arrive where I am meant to be at precisely the right time.
When Covid 19 first hit the United States, I played along because I knew that people were scared (not with a mask though) and I didn’t want to seem insensitive. But seeing how this is coming up on a year, I will not hold my tongue any longer. I just can’t, because I am truly concerned for our country. I am sincerely concerned that my children will have no concept of what freedom and liberty actually looks like. I have no secret or nefarious agenda, I just want to live the life that God placed me here to live and that does not include prolonged mask wearing, social distancing and staying in my home for extended periods of time.
So here is the deal, I have a brain, I know what is in the best interest of my own body. I know how medications work, I’ve spent the past 23 years of my life monitoring or managing clinical trials and I’m now in school training to become a Functional Nutrition Counselor, so that being said, until the Government can adequately address the following issues, I’ll take its health recommendations with a grain of salt.
-Why is the US ranked 46th in longevity? -Why is medical error the third leading cause of death in the US? Killing over 250,000 a year? -Why is child mortality in the US worse among the 20 wealthiest countries? -Why is the US ranked 68th in first day newborn deaths? -Why does America pop more pills than any other country? -Why have autoimmune disorders and neurological disorders skyrocketed in the last 30 years?
Last point, governments were instituted by men to protect the rights endowed to us by our Creator. If at anytime the government operates outside of those parameters, we are morally obligated not to comply. By the way, if you’ve never studied the atrocities of WWII, you might want to go and do a little research. The propaganda being used on the American people is eerily similar.
I love you, but I can’t sit in that space with you. My days are much too full with work, homeschooling, transporting to this therapy and to that one. Never having more than ten minutes to myself, to think or process. No, that space is much too confining for me.
You see, I have a special needs kid who also happens to have seizures, primarily controlled by medicine, but there have been times when they were not. I’ve ridden ambulances too many times to count. I’ve spent days, a week or two in the hospital after an uncontrolled seizure. So I know fear, I have faced it head on and no, that is why, I cannot sit or be in that space with you.
I know the media has you all up in arms over this virus. Pump the fear, control behavior. It’s a perfect strategy, if you ask me. Ratchet it up enough and motives are never questioned. And right when you think, they may be losing their grip, they up the fear again. The cycle is endless. But I still won’t sit in that space with you.
I had to bury my mother, my best friend, while pregnant with my first child, my daughter. I watched my precious son have a full blown seizure at my dad’s wedding, which I never got to see because I was headed to the hospital in one of the first of many ambulance rides. I was cast aside by my then husband in the midst of my own medical crisis. So you see, I cannot sit in that space of fear.
Fear is a weapon, that is used to control and limit. It’s too overwhelming, it makes me feel even more isolated and alone. So it is not something, I will embrace. The Bible says, “for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.” 2 Timothy 1:7. Those are the qualities that this world needs now more than ever.
While it may be easy to sit in my home and listen to the news and entertain the doom and gloom, I will instead choose faith, love and hope because I do love you and I know that when fear is present, I cannot sit in that space.
I am sometimes asked why now, why network marketing? “Why would you give up your career in the pharmaceutical industry for something that is um well, uncertain?” The answer is simple, two words, Emily and Ethan. I have spent their entire lives as a part time mother, never fully engaged or all in because there is always one thing or another pulling for my attention. The biggest being my job. Even now as a single working mother, it is abundantly clear that what they need most is me. An all in mother to make things feel somewhat normal.
Yes, I know what you’ll say, “they just have to understand you have to work.” But do they? They are children, they are living through their parents divorce and the parent they are with all the time, just doesn’t have time.
I only get one life to live and working to build someone else’s dream is not what I would call, life to the full ( not knocking anyone for their choice). Our lives are so much more. God called me to be a mother, to nurture and to guide my children back to Him. How is that even possible to do when everyday is an exercise in tug of war?
I get that everyone has choices to make, and my choices may not be your cup of tea. That’s cool. What most people don’t know or understand is I live on constant alert. I never know when my son might have a seizure or get sick. There is no pause, rewind or replay. This is my life. Not complaining, very grateful to work from home, but when these episodes occur, work stops. Other activities full stop.
I guess I am writing all of this to say, that everyone has their “why” for joining network marketing and as varied as their reasons may be the common denominator is people just want time freedom and financial freedom. No job will ever give you that. This is not a hobby or a side hustle for me. It is a lifestyle. I am a Christian Entrepreneur growing a future for myself and my children and I am not going to apologize for that.
Whatever you hold onto in your mind, that is not beneficial, is the beginning of disease in your body. If you’re wondering how I could make such a bold statement, let me explain. In our society today, we hear quite regularly about mindset and how important it is to accomplishing anything. For example, I have a nascent network marketing business and in our field, mindset is everything. We stress all the time that the belief in one’s self is the key to creating growth and interest. We pay hundreds maybe thousands of dollars to learn from the experts on how to grow our businesses, how to attract customers, how to serve, influence, etc. The list goes on. But it doesn’t stop with this industry, we talk mindset in sports, on the job, or pretty much anything that you can think of, but I rarely hear anything about mindset when it comes to our physical health. I wonder if looking beyond what we can measure, quantify or see will move us in the direction of optimal health versus the allopathic model of declining is health inevitable.
Now, that I am enrolled in a Functional Nutrition program, with the goal of becoming a certified Nutritional Counselor, I have had the opportunity to contemplate what true or optimal health actually is. This is important because when I begin taking clients it will be necessary for me to see them and not just what is presented on a piece of paper or lab report. Although important, that information is only part of the whole. Just recently, I began reading a book called ” Molecules of Emotion” written by Candace B. Pert, Ph.D, and it made me think that perhaps dis-ease is not necessarily rooted in the physiology or anatomy, but is instead rooted much more deeply, perhaps in spiritual and emotional trauma that may later manifest itself in the form of a physical or psychological ailment that leads to specific, signs, symptoms or diagnoses.
This is fascinating for several reasons. Years ago, my now almost twelve year daughter was diagnosed with eczema and allergies. After seeing her eczema worsen after each allergy shot, I thought to myself, this can’t be the right approach so that led to my first step into the world of “alternative” medicine. I took her to see a Naturopath and after several months, probably a year, her eczema and allergies resolved. Because of my daughter’s success I sought the help of that same naturopath for my son, who by that time, age three, had been diagnosed with iatrogenic autism, in other words he wasn’t born with it. We tried a number of remedies that he responded to, but they just weren’t quite enough for him to lose his diagnosis, but it never prevented me from forging ahead because my mind was rooted in the physical. I could only process what I could measure, quantify and see.
After several sessions, my Naturopath said something to me that I had never heard before that actually made me pay attention, actually it made me cry. She said that “you and your son are more connected than you realize; when you heal yourself, you will heal him.” What? Her words made no sense to me. I was physically fine, there was nothing wrong with me. I wanted her to help me to fix him. I didn’t need to hear anything about myself. My son needed her help, not some motivational speech. I’d like to say that I stopped and truly heeded her guidance, but alas I did not. I actually relocated my family to another state for what I thought would be the answer, it wasn’t. I did however, finally get diagnosed with my own autoimmune condition, I got divorced and faced the reality that what I had been doing was not the entire answer at all. There was a missing piece.
Which brings me to the point of this post, yes, our bodies do have physical disorders that need to be addressed, but perhaps addressing what is rooted in the mind, will allow the seeds of optimal healing to germinate and move us beyond our perceived reality to what is possible when we marry our beliefs with the tools that bring nurture and healing to our bodies.
One of my most favorite passages of scripture is the story of the woman who had an issue with blood for many years, Mark 5:25-34. This woman had suffered under the care of physicians and spent countless dollars for twelve years, when she decided that if she could just touch the hem of Jesus’ garment, she would be made well. Yes, I know you’re going to say that she touched Jesus and that is true, but I think the root of her healing began before she touched him. Her mindset changed and she then knew who her healing would come from. Unfortunately, we no longer believe. Our faith is so shallow now that, if the a doctor says it can’t be done, it can’t be done. We question nothing and we close ourselves off from joy.
Let me make this a little more personal, my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in April 2004. Obviously, that news was devastating to our entire family. Me in particular because I worked in the pharmaceutical industry, specifically on clinical trials, (the period before the drug is approved for commercial use) so I knew that her diagnosis was a death sentence. I even called her oncologist and spoke with him about her prognosis. His professional opinion was that my mother would be dead in six months. I drove home that weekend hearbroken, with the idea that I would be saying good-bye to my best friend in a few short months. You see how easily I believed words of that doctor? I let his dispassion override my own beliefs. Confident in my own experience and abilities, I tried to discuss my mother’s options, but being the faithful woman that she was, she hugged me and she said that she was going to see her grandchildren grow up, and she would see me get married. Say what? Once again, my belief was not there. I thought that I was being the adult and responsible in the direction that I tried to give. I was in that moment, still the child in need of direction from my mother, I was the one who was unwell, even though it was her body that held the cancer.
She did get to see me get married on the Island of St. Lucia and she had more time with her already born grandchildren. And it was my mother who told me I was pregnant before I took the home pregnancy test and it was my mother that told me in my swollen belly was a girl that would carry her name, Emily. That was in August of 2008. My mother did not pass from this life until October 5, 2008, her namesake was delivered healthy that following February. My mother’s faith and her belief that she could be well gave her four more years when the doctors said it would only be six months at best.
What if what we believe is truly the key that unlocks the door to optimal healing?
I wrote this last year after my father and his wife came for a visit. That morning started off a bit rough because only hours before their arrival my son, Ethan had a seizure. I could use that as a reason, but if the truth be told it was primarily because my relationship with my dad had been strained for quite sometime and I wasn’t quite ready for their visit.
As I reflect on that day once more, I am so grateful that I did not allow anger and resentment me to ruin their visit for so many reasons. But the number one reason, is you never know what the future holds. On that day, I had no way of knowing that my father would once again be a widower. 😢
But God! He knew that I needed reconciliation and so by His divine will, He orchestrated a better day than I could have imagined for all of us. Happiness and joy filled my home that day. You were loved and you are missed Ms. Marjorie.❤️
It’s hard to believe a year has passed since I wrote this original post after my dad and Marjorie came to visit.
Provision and Restoration. Those two words showed up today and hugged me until tears ran down my face.
I was not expecting it, I expected tension and resentment or at least those were the guests I had prepared for at my table (thankfully, I had some wise counsel last night who had cautioned me against being battle ready) so after praying and sleeping on their words, I decided this morning that the best action would be to let Jesus to take the wheel. Even though, I had predetermined would be difficult.
So, what happened you ask? A very important person walked back into my life today after a four year hiatus (restoration) along with a person I had found challenging to embrace, but who ended up giving me an amazing gift (provision) that I never would have expected. Like never.
Today, I learned several valuable lessons, first life is way too short to hold onto past hurts and disappointments, two, Jesus’ yoke is easy and not burdensome, three, when you have the mind of Christ, your vision is perfect and your heart is renewed.