Cancer, Dermatofibrosarcoma protuberans, Surgery

The Part That I Never Share

I debated writing this post because being vulnerable is excruciatingly difficult for me. Even within my inner circle, sharing a day in my life isn’t easy. Not because I can’t share or even that I don’t want to share, but in my mind it feels as though I am not handling “it” and to me that is an admission that I am failing.

But, it goes deeper. I never want to seem like I am complaining. Even when my mother died (who happened to be the closest person to me in the world, my sister in Christ and very best friend), I compartmentalized her death until the thing next to her death, I had ever experienced happened. My son’s first seizure at my dad’s wedding. The one person that I needed to hold me up wasn’t there so I collapsed to the floor, I’m a heap of tears, hearing my family calling my name, my dad praying over my son, but in those painful moments waiting for the ambulance to arrive to take us to Vanderbilt Children’s Hospital, I was in effect unresponsive. I had lost the ability to speak.

I had no idea at the time, what that was going to mean for my son and his future. But I can assure you, the years following have been anything but a cake walk.

Since that day, I have endured many more hospitalizations with my son, a big move, a divorce and most recently, cancer. People, like to say that, God will never put on you more than you can handle, but here is where I disagree. That statement is nowhere in the Bible, and two life has given me a whole lot that I haven’t handled… well. You see, I just compartmentalize and figure out how to do it myself, because if I don’t, I am a failure. By the way, that isn’t in the Bible either.

I guess, what I want you to know is in this moment, my life is hard, it is messy and today was not a very good day. Ethan’s nanny didn’t come because she was sick, the full moon last night set off seizures for Ethan and I tried to work (my job) and manage my son’s care while simultaneously trying to be mindful of my own recovery.

I am grateful for the daughter that I have, who has had to sacrifice more than any child her age ever should because were she not here, this day could have been far worse. Her presence kept both of us from going to the hospital today.

You’ve probably surmised by now, that my life is in no way conventional or sane. So, if anyone asks, this is why I want more than anything for my health and wellness business to grow. There is no job, that I could ever do that will ever accommodate the unpredictability of my life.

Growing in faith,

AngelaChristine

After bandages were removed- September 15

9 thoughts on “The Part That I Never Share”

  1. Hi Angela, we are sisters with the same name. 💜 The Holy Spirit moved me to comment here and have you read my blog post from yesterday “Be real with God (like Job),” if you feel so inclined. This is not a plug for my blog, I just thought that it may speak to your heart as I read your words here and felt your pain. You were vulnerable to share here and I am sure it was hard. Please know that you’re not alone and you’re exactly right…God never did say He wouldn’t give us more than we could handle. He simply said He will always walk with us through those hard times. I will pray for you to feel His love and peace and know that He is there with you. 🙏🏼🙏🏼

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for reading this post and responding to it with such kindness and encouragement. I do have a hard time sharing my story, but there is healing in sharing pieces and encouragement for someone else. God has been so good to me and I just need to continue to trust him always instead of my own abilities. Thank you. ❤️

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Amen sister and yes, exactly! He never wastes a hurt or anything we go through. Rather, it gives us a platform from which we can share our experiences with others of how faithfully He brought us through and showed His love, power, and strength in our weakness and time of need. He comforts us so that we can comfort others and so on and so forth. His way is beautiful. And He’s always still working on us, so I know your journey will continue and you’ll have more to share with the world. Thank you again sister, it was moving to read. God bless you. 💜💜

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  2. “I am convinced that . . . [nothing] in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 8:38–39).
    Our trials are for a purpose, we have the armor of God and the privilege of prayer, and God will see to it that our trials do not overcome our faith. Our position as children of God is secure; we will come through the trials intact.
    Thank you for sharing your story. God loves us so much and will always be faithful to his promises to us. Prayers for you and your beautiful family. 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼❤❤❤

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  3. My prayers continue for your healing and for Ethan’s healing! God is able and so faithful. Always stand on His promises, He will order your steps. Life is precious but fleeting and we should live it to the fullest finding joy in the midst of the storms. May God’s peace and blessings surround you and your family always…. ❤️🙏🏽

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