I could say, that the fear is completely gone. But, if I did, I’d be lying. There was a period of time when the seizures weren’t here. It was the space between my dad’s wedding and the move to Georgia, but then they returned or perhaps they never left….
I often think, that seizures are like a wound that just refuses to close. It’s like it closes with medication and then something happens or maybe it doesn’t and the wound begins to weep again. The pus flows out into our lives just as we are beginning to accept that we’re in a good space until we’re not and once again, I recognize that it’s not under my control. I am not control.
In his ten short years of life, he has probably seen the inside of an ambulance more times than I have in my entire fifty years. My heart breaks, each time we have had to take that ride. Each time, it’s the same questions, it’s the same answer, “his doctor needs to increase his medication and that will stop the breakthrough seizures,” well until it doesn’t. Why continue to throw medication until it sticks without asking why? Why are they happening what is the root cause for the seizures? The answer, “sometimes, we just don’t know.” But we can run some tests? Perhaps that will give us a clue. “Sure, I say, let’s run more tests, perhaps there is something we missed in the nine thousand other tests.”
When the tests come back normal, the answer is once again “we just don’t know, but we have still more medication options should we need to go that route.” How can we be so dependent on a system with so few answers about keeping us healthy? Perhaps, keeping us healthy isn’t the objective at all and so they run tests and remain vague just to give us enough hope to keep going back for more medication and the “it’s just inevitable.”
This morning, we worshipped online, because the seizures came and my son was of course in no condition to get up and going. It’s in those moments that I realize how not normal my life really is. You see, just when we think that seizures are in our rear view mirror and we begin to feel as though we can live normally, they come and we adapt again. Again.
Perhaps the average person, would give up and curse God. There have been times that I have contemplated those two things, but then somehow God reminds me of all of the times, He has kept his promises and brought the people and resources into my life when I couldn’t see how whatever it was would work out. Each and every time! By His divine authority it has come together for our good. I weep with gratitude.
As Christians, it often pains us to see the suffering around us and to not get caught up in what the world may say about God and His existence because of all of the devastation. But then I am reminded that Jesus bore it ALL. Not some of it, all of it. Every tear, every sin, every pain, every seizure, Jesus bore all of it.
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it. I Corinthians 10:13
I am not without help, I am loved, my Ethan is loved and He is providing for us, so I will continue to trust in Him. And I hope that you can too.