Category: Sadness

Belief, Faith, Family, Grief, Love, Sadness

What Have I Learned Over These Past Two Years?

Angela Ireland

What have I learned over the past two years since the death of my dear Ethan? That is a hard question, but I will do my best to summarize a few.

First, I pray that anyone reading this never has to experience the loss of their child. There are just no words to describe that level of pain. And for anyone who still believes or says, “God will never put more on you than you can handle,” please retire that statement. It’s not biblical and it is not helpful.

Look at what the Apostle Paul writes here about tremendous pain and struggle.

“For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. [9] Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. [10] He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again”. 2 Corinthians 1:8-10

While we don’t know specifically what occurred in Asia, we do know that it was so bad that he felt like they had received the sentence of death. Here is the point, instead of walking away and doubting God, they relied on Him to deliver them from their peril or situation. They stayed the course. In this valley, I too have learned to rely on God and stay the course.

The second point, I’ll make is that only God, can heal this kind of hurt.

The Bible says in Psalm 34:18- The LORD is near to the brokenhearted

and saves the crushed in spirit and in

Psalm 147:3

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

When people ask me how I have been able to keep going, I tell them this. I take God at His word. In Matthew 5:4, He says, this,

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

I cannot tell you how true that is. So many people came to my side to help me. There is still much goodness in the world. God does bring the people into your life that can comfort you and support when the best you can do is breathe.

Fourth, I can do the hard things. I relocated us to Alabama in August of 2022, knowing no one. But because of who God is, God gave us a biblically sound church family and opportunities to serve and to glorify Him in His kingdom.

Would I have wanted to lose my son, to be here now? No, but I have the hope in knowing that though Ethan went ahead of me, if I endure to the end I will someday be in the presence of Jesus and see my beautiful boy again.

“But the one who endures to the end will be saved.” Matthew 24:13

In Christian love,

AngelaChristine

Before worship
Belief, Faith, Family, Love, Sadness

Grief and Love

Angela Ireland

On February 7, 2022, my only son died. I don’t know why, the autopsy did not provide that answer. In fact, we are still waiting to learn what could have gone wrong. Perhaps, we will never know. Would knowing even quench my grief or would it just leave me wondering what I could have done to stop it?

My son was the joy of my heart, he was an amazing kid. Though he had autism diagnosis (vaccine injury) and epilepsy (another vaccine injury), his heart was so big! He loved so big! My heart grew bigger because of him. His challenges made me draw closer to God for answers and guidance, but after countless treatments, divorce and relocation, I arrived at acceptance. Acceptance that he would always live with me and I would always live with him. I was his person and he was mine.

This only came to me two weeks prior to his death, which was right around his eleventh birthday. I had finally come to accept the love that he always had for me and readily embraced it with my whole heart and soul. Though I had always led him by the hand, I had finally accepted that he would now lead me. And he did.

There is so much to write and say about my sweet boy; eventually I will. But today, I am writing about the grief and the gut wrenching sadness I feel because he is no longer here for me to drive to therapy everyday or to drive his sister nuts. I grieve because he never had the opportunity to reach his fullest potential. I grieve because everyday going forward won’t include him. Trips we plan to take and adventures we are sure to have will not include him. I grieve because my heart loved a little boy that was only with me for a little while. I grieve because I just miss him.

I know that he is perfect in the arms of Jesus. I know that he is doing all the things that he was unable to do here on Earth. I know that he is waiting to be reunited with me someday. But I also know that I will never be the same because I loved him and he loved me. That piece of my heart that is now broken will never be repaired because it can’t, it belonged to Ethan Evan and always will.

My life will never be the same nor should it be, but it will forever be changed. I can only hope, for the better.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. “ Psalm 34:18

Always Ethan’s mom,

AngelaChristine

Faith, Family, Mindset, Parenting, Reflections, Sadness

Tears Come Sometimes

Angela Ireland

I sat in my van this afternoon and cried real tears. Not because of one thing or someone, but because I’ve been carrying weight that for most people would be too hard to carry. Sure, people admire me for what I do, they give me praise and pats on the back. In fact, just today a friend called me her hero. I don’t feel like anyone’s hero. Yesterday, another friend said something similar.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate being noticed and admired. But there are just times when I wish I could just hand off some of my responsibilities to someone else, not forever, but at least for a little while.

Perhaps my heart is a little heavier, because while speaking to a dear sister in Christ yesterday, I had to acknowledge that I have no plan B. It’s just God, me and my kids. I mean, if anything were to happen to me, I literally have no one in this world that I could leave my children with. This last year has taught me that. Maybe that is why the tears appeared and wouldn’t stop flowing. Even as I type this post, I feel a little teary eyed.

Life is funny in that way. At some point, you have to face the truth; our lives are truly a vapor and just like that can be gone.

So, when people ask me why I push myself so hard to build my health and wellness business, that’s easy, two words, Emily and Ethan. It is my plan ABCDEF and G. There is no greater industry than this one. It’s very foundation is love and service. God is the owner and I am merely his steward.

While I don’t always appreciate this journey, I thank God that he chose me. I thank him because he saw me and decided that I was worth saving even when I didn’t see myself as worth the trouble.

Today, was not one of my finest days, but it is far from being the worst. And if the Lord wills it, tomorrow will be another opportunity to grow closer to him and to improve upon what I got right today.

I will not give up and I will not fail. Emily and Ethan need me and I need them too.

With love,

AngelaChristine