Tag: Reflections

Belief, Faith, Family, Grief, Love, Sadness

What Have I Learned Over These Past Two Years?

Angela Ireland

What have I learned over the past two years since the death of my dear Ethan? That is a hard question, but I will do my best to summarize a few.

First, I pray that anyone reading this never has to experience the loss of their child. There are just no words to describe that level of pain. And for anyone who still believes or says, “God will never put more on you than you can handle,” please retire that statement. It’s not biblical and it is not helpful.

Look at what the Apostle Paul writes here about tremendous pain and struggle.

“For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. [9] Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. [10] He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again”. 2 Corinthians 1:8-10

While we don’t know specifically what occurred in Asia, we do know that it was so bad that he felt like they had received the sentence of death. Here is the point, instead of walking away and doubting God, they relied on Him to deliver them from their peril or situation. They stayed the course. In this valley, I too have learned to rely on God and stay the course.

The second point, I’ll make is that only God, can heal this kind of hurt.

The Bible says in Psalm 34:18- The LORD is near to the brokenhearted

and saves the crushed in spirit and in

Psalm 147:3

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

When people ask me how I have been able to keep going, I tell them this. I take God at His word. In Matthew 5:4, He says, this,

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”

I cannot tell you how true that is. So many people came to my side to help me. There is still much goodness in the world. God does bring the people into your life that can comfort you and support when the best you can do is breathe.

Fourth, I can do the hard things. I relocated us to Alabama in August of 2022, knowing no one. But because of who God is, God gave us a biblically sound church family and opportunities to serve and to glorify Him in His kingdom.

Would I have wanted to lose my son, to be here now? No, but I have the hope in knowing that though Ethan went ahead of me, if I endure to the end I will someday be in the presence of Jesus and see my beautiful boy again.

“But the one who endures to the end will be saved.” Matthew 24:13

In Christian love,

AngelaChristine

Before worship
Belief, Current Events, Faith, Friendship, Love, Mindset

Who Is Pulling Your Strings?

Angela Ireland

Who benefits from your anger and hatred? Is it you? And in what way?

Does your life expand positively because you hate your neighbor or your co-worker? If it does, how?

Do you get a warm and cozy feeling, when your government tells you to a pick a side? If it does, would you please share with all of us?

Would you have visited your friend in the hospital, if you hadn’t heard on the news that because of the color of their skin you can’t be friends?

Or I know, this side or the other is better because they agree with everything you believe and say?

What if I told you that your real enemy is the one that you can’t see pulling the strings, would you believe me? Or would you just say I can’t believe you because they didn’t say that on the news? Or in the school?

Have you ever stepped back to consider, who may benefit from your hatred and your blues? Is it really your co-worker or neighbor or the random person in the store?

Or is there more?

The Bible says, “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” I Peter 5:8

Friends, your enemy is not the person that you work with or doesn’t look like you. It is the one that allows the devil to rule in their lives. That includes your favorite celebrities and authorities.

It is also the people who benefit from pain and suffering. Those hidden from sight.

The next time the media or the government tells you to believe something, ask yourself, who benefits from division and strife? I can almost guarantee you, it isn’t who you think it is.

In Christian love,

Angela

Upside down
Belief, Faith, Family, Friendship, Mindset

Who Is My Family?

Angela Ireland
At the end of our visit

This is an overdue post. I should have written it in the midst of the visit, but I was enjoying the fellowship too much to pen it all down until now.

Last week, I had the opportunity to put my money where my mouth is. When I decided to purchase our home here in Alabama, I asked the Lord to let it be a place for hospitality and for Bible study, much in the way my family home was when I was growing up. However, my home is not fully furnished yet ( we donated most of our furniture before we moved) and that was my excuse, but that didn’t deter my friends Amy and Alan from coming here for a visit. In fact, the morning of their arrival, I still wasn’t ready, but we got it together before they rang our doorbell that Saturday evening.

Their visit, challenged me to let go of my preconceived ideas that everything has to be perfect before you can host someone. Since the kitchen is the hub of the home it’s where we spent all of our time when weren’t out and about or sleeping. Alan landscaped my front yard as a housewarming gift. They even purchased a few much needed items for us, just because they wanted too. We worshiped together, we ate together, cooked meals, shopped ( founds some amazing items in my local thrift stores) and had the opportunity to fellowship with another couple from my local congregation. But I believe the most impactful part of the visit was on my daughter. She got to have a father figure in her life for several days and to see a godly couple in our home. She witnessed the template! That was by far the best part of the visit to me.

Though, Amy and Alan are off on their next adventure, and I may not see them again for a couple of months, I’m so grateful that through the blood of Jesus Christ, they are my family. And I am secretly praying that they will settle here in northern Alabama after they have seen the whole of the United States.

I could go on and on about how much their visit meant to me, but I’d never stop writing. I guess what I really want to convey is that oftentimes the people who love on you the most may not be your physical family and in my case that has absolutely been true. The people who have walked with me through my grief journey have been my friends and brothers and sisters in Christ and for them I forever grateful.

“And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands, for My name’s sake, shall receive a hundredfold, and inherit eternal life.” Matthew 19:29.

After living here in northern Alabama for ten months, I can definitively say that is a true statement for us.

In Christian love,

AngelaChristine

Faith, Family, Reflections

Time Away

Angela Ireland

I admit it, I’ve neglected this space for quite some time. It’s not because I intended too, my brain has just been busy with obligations that have kept me from sitting quietly to write about what matters most…. God and family.

I’m reading and spending time in the word daily, I am trying my best to lead my teenage daughter by example and ensure that she is as engaged in the youth group at church and keeping up with her studies. But there are still times when the cares of the world pull so heavily on me that I just collapse from the weight of it all.

Two weeks ago, I bought a house. It was time for us to put down some roots once again. We are officially, Alabamans and though that is not a name I ever thought I’d carry, I see God’s hand so clearly in bringing us here. You see God knows exactly what we need and where we need to be, if we have faith and lean wholly into Him. I’m learning to do that here.

While I can say that my job is a thorn in my side, I am grateful for it because it is a daily reminder of why I need to trust and consult God in everything. My life is more than a job or checking a box. My life is meant to be lived in submission to God, sanctified and holy.

I guess what I am trying to is that I am back and ready to serve.

In Christian love,

AngelaChristine

Faith, Love, Mindset, Reflections

Reflection and Resolution

Angela Ireland

I’m here. My daughter is here. We are embarking on a new year and a new life with one less, my son, her brother. Even though it’s been almost a year, it still feels fresh. An open wound still not ready to close. Though, I could sit here and cry and feel sorry for myself, because I could, but I would then be denying the power of Jesus Christ in the midst of midst of my sorrow. He has never forsaken or forgotten me, He has kept every single one of His promises.

God knows and knew what He was doing when He took my boy to be with Him. For a long time, it felt like I was being punished. I still feel that way at times. But, then I reflect on all of the blessings that I have received and continue to receive even in this season of loss, this grief. There are so many emotions right now, knowing that I will never see my boy grow up. He will in my heart and mind always be eleven.

As I look forward to this new year, I will never forget what happened in 2022, a part of me will be gone forever, but through it all, I am growing stronger day by day. And I have a loving Father, who is the same today, tomorrow and forever. That is a huge comfort to me. I can believe in Him, I can trust in Him and I can share the gospel and live faithfully until my natural death. While I wait to be reunited one day with Ethan. I will accept His continual refinement so that my life might be an example of His mercy and His grace. After all, diamonds are produced under pressure.

So, what are my plans for 2023, you may ask. Stay tuned, I have so much to share. But until then know this, I will shed the remnants of fear and scarcity, that have followed me for many years. My life is too full now for those two to have any place in it. That is why for 2023, I’m going to happily invest in both of my businesses and I will continue to study the scriptures so that I might be ready to give a defense to anyone who asks for the reason for the hope that is in me.

This is not a resolution but it is a commitment to grow outside of the fear and to walk in the victory of Christ. I hope that you will join me.

In Christian love,

AngelaChristine

Family, Grief, Love, Reflections

As We Say Goodbye

Angela Ireland

You all know that 2022, has been a heart crushing year for me. Unspeakable pain. But in midst of the worst pain, Jesus has held me. He has provided and protected us and held us up and when it was impossible for either of us to stand on our own, He carried us.

And when knew it was time for us to move, He sent us to the one place that I never would have chosen myself, Northern Alabama. After living here since August, I can emphatically say that I’m so glad that I didn’t choose. When I prayed and asked Him to place us where we could grow in the word and expand His kingdom, He answered my prayer and has turned to beauty what were ashes.

God has gifted us with friends, that are more like family, Emily is involved in so much with the youth group at church, that I’ve become her chauffeur. In fact, she just attended her first sleep away camp this past week. She was so impressed and truly enjoyed being there. I’ve linked the video from there last night here. https://youtu.be/r6KdR6vN71U

The classes and the Bible studies for the adults at church has been like attending Bible college and in late January something big is coming to us, so stay tuned for that announcement.

I guess the point of this post is to say that, though we may think we know what’s best for us, only God knows exactly what we need and when. So as we close out this year and ring in the new, I’m going to praise Him and glorify Him even more because I know and I remember from whence I came.

“The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” Proverbs 16:9

Happy New Year!!

AngelaChristine

Just us
Faith, Reflections

My Anniversary

Angela Ireland

It’s hard to believe that one year ago today, I had a large tumor removed from my leg. I had no idea then what the next several months would bring. What started out as routine, ended up being more extensive than I could have imagined. It took months to heal and even though the internal healing is complete, I will have a scar to remind me for the remainder of my days of the lessons that I needed to learn.

In those weeks, I learned how to accept and appreciate support from others, but also disappointment. The very people that I thought would have come to my side at a very vulnerable time in my life, did not. And the very people, who had no reason to, did.

That is the funny thing about loss, no matter what it is, surgery or death. Love and support comes from the most unexpected places to fill your cup. They are those angels that come and minister to you without saying a word. They just flutter about doing, because they know that you would never ask.

Behind the scenes they make sure that you are fed and comforted. They make arrangements for your beloved children. They send cards, they call. They ask about you. Sometimes they just sit and listen to you go on and on without judgement. And sometimes, they catch you before you hit the floor.

Were it not for the angels near and far, that chose to love on me when my pride would not permit me to ask for help, though, I very much needed it, I would not have fared as well as I did; my heart is grateful. I am grateful that they ignored my foolishness and did the work that needed to be done.

“Do not neglect to show hospitality to strangers, for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.” Hebrews 13:2

In Christian love,

AngelaChristine

One year post my surgery
Faith, Love, Reflections

Without You

Angela Ireland

Who would I be without You? Without You, my life would be a heap of ashes, without a hope and without a future. Without You, I would barely be hanging on. Without You, my words would have no meaning, my life a waste. Without you, I would be unsaved and destined for damnation. Without You, I’d never know that love is patient and is kind.

I pray that I will never forget, Who you are and all you have done for me; because I never want to live this life without You.

“With my whole heart I seek you; let me not wander from your commandments!” Psalm 119:10

In Christ alone,

AngelaChristine

View during walk after dinner

Belief, Faith, Grief, Mindset

On The Edge of Nowhere

Angela Ireland

Where do I belong? Where should we go? Should we just buy an RV and travel from state to state? Those are questions, I ask myself almost daily. You see when Ethan was alive, we knew. We knew where we had to be and when. But now, we’re nomads. Anchored only to the belief that, if we live faithfully we will be reunited with our Ethan someday.

When I show up online, people see the bright shiny Angela doing her best to serve and inspire. What they don’t see is the pain, that still permeates my heart. Though it’s been nearly four months, I am still not okay that he is gone. I will likely never be.

I guess what I struggle so deeply with is the not knowing. Why he had to go and not me? Why am I still here to mourn the sweetest, purest heart that I was blessed to nurture and care for? What lessons does God want me to know? Why do I still not have the faith of Job? Why do I still not know where I belong?

I started the “75 Hard Challenge” on May 9, and knock on wood, I’ve been able to meet the challenge so far. But one of the things that I am learning or I guess I have had to face is the me looking back at me in the mirror. Truth is, this is a mental challenge and it has brought forth some hard truths. Number one, I am not in control, God is and He is the ultimate decision maker. For me to think otherwise is arrogant and rebellious. Two, He loves me and has only the best plan laid out for me as long as I listen to his voice and step out of the drivers seat and sit in the passengers seat where I belong.

Three, Job was not blessed abundantly because he did not sin, but because he never wavered in his belief that God was the giver of all that he had and that He would provide and was worthy of praise, no matter the circumstances. He just trusted and believed, even when he lost all of his children in one day! He grieved but did not stop trusting God. That is the lesson, right?

Just like Job, I may never know why God has allowed me to experience so much grief over the years. But what I do know is that, God has a plan for me, not one of evil, but a future and a hope. I just have to believe that He will and to live my life according to will and to seek His counsel daily.

“And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.” I Peter 5:10

In Christian love,

AngelaChristine

Nowhere

Grief

Lonely

Angela Ireland

I am lonely. There I said it. Not in the way that most people would think. I am lonely in the sense that the one constant that anchored me, my son is no longer here. I feel like a boat with no real direction or a place that I should be. No real sense of belonging.

Before I knew that Ethan he was a he, I knew that I was pregnant with a boy, I knew he was my son. I had dreams of all the things he would do and would eventually become and I was grateful. I was grateful that once again, I would be a mother. Two children to love and nurture. That would be a blessed life.

Even when he received a diagnosis of autism and later, epilepsy and PANDAS, and my dreams changed for him, I still knew that he would be here and whatever he would need, I’d in some way be able to provide. That’s part of a being a mother, right? I mean it never would have occurred to me that I was only meant to be his mom for a short time instead of a lifetime.

Most days I am fine since his death. But lately, I find myself sobbing before I drift off to sleep each night. I know that God is with me and He sees me. I am comforted daily by His loving hands, but it is in those moments that I miss Ethan the most. I miss his hugs, I miss his smiles, I miss his innocence and his unconditional love. I miss my boy, my only son. I miss being his person and holding his hand. I miss talking to him, though he could not talk back. I just miss him.

This is my new normal. This is my normal and what I must accept for the sake of my daughter. She missed so much of me when her brother was here and has grown up so much; but she still needs me. She needs me to teach her all of the things that I thought she would just pick up because I told her or showed her one or two times. Turns out she needed me too, she just didn’t ask because she knew that Ethan needed me more.

While I don’t understand, why Ethan had to go or why I still have to navigate my life without him, I will accept and be assured that Ethan is with God and is waiting for me to be reunited with him one day. That is my hope.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

Thank you Lord for allowing me to be Ethan’s mom for eleven years. I will always be grateful.

Always in Christ,

AngelaChristine

The three of us