What have I learned over the past two years since the death of my dear Ethan? That is a hard question, but I will do my best to summarize a few.
First, I pray that anyone reading this never has to experience the loss of their child. There are just no words to describe that level of pain. And for anyone who still believes or says, “God will never put more on you than you can handle,” please retire that statement. It’s not biblical and it is not helpful.
Look at what the Apostle Paul writes here about tremendous pain and struggle.
“For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. [9] Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. [10] He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again”. 2 Corinthians 1:8-10
While we don’t know specifically what occurred in Asia, we do know that it was so bad that he felt like they had received the sentence of death. Here is the point, instead of walking away and doubting God, they relied on Him to deliver them from their peril or situation. They stayed the course. In this valley, I too have learned to rely on God and stay the course.
The second point, I’ll make is that only God, can heal this kind of hurt.
The Bible says in Psalm 34:18- The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit and in
Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
When people ask me how I have been able to keep going, I tell them this. I take God at His word. In Matthew 5:4, He says, this,
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”
I cannot tell you how true that is. So many people came to my side to help me. There is still much goodness in the world. God does bring the people into your life that can comfort you and support when the best you can do is breathe.
Fourth, I can do the hard things. I relocated us to Alabama in August of 2022, knowing no one. But because of who God is, God gave us a biblically sound church family and opportunities to serve and to glorify Him in His kingdom.
Would I have wanted to lose my son, to be here now? No, but I have the hope in knowing that though Ethan went ahead of me, if I endure to the end I will someday be in the presence of Jesus and see my beautiful boy again.
“But the one who endures to the end will be saved.” Matthew 24:13
I have been thinking about the genocide taking place in Palestine for weeks now, debating whether this was something that I should tackle on my social media or on my blog. After going back and forth, I thought that it would be best to share my thoughts on my blog where I can speak freely and without censorship.
When the new year began, I had decided that I would stay away from the things that cause me stress or at least limit my exposure to it. But after several days, I guess about two weeks into the new year, I realized that was unsustainable for me. I care too much. I despise evil and wrongdoing and while I can’t physically stop what is happening, I do have a voice and I can certainly speak out against it.
As a Christian, it is our obligation to shun all forms of evil. We are to hate what God hates, in fact in Proverbs 6:16, it says, “There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are abomination to him; haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers.” Do you realize that the whole world including my country has stood back and watched Israel do all of those things in a matter of months without impunity?
They have literally executed all of the things that God hates on another group of people, people that God himself made in His own image. Why is this okay? Where is the outrage? Where is the righteous anger? But I think what bothers me just as much, maybe more are the “Christians” that repeat like parrots, “Israel has a right to defend itself and we have to defend them because they are God’s chosen people.”
How is it that a person who claims to be a Christian can repeat and support something that is not biblically accurate? Jesus himself states, in John 8:24, “I told you that you would die in your sins, for unless you believe that I am he you will die in your sins. And in Matthew 7:21, Jesus says, “Not everyone who says to me, “Lord, Lord,” will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.” In other words, those who believe in Jesus and do the will of the God, are God’s chosen people. Furthermore, we live under the new covenant, as Paul so eloquently states, in Galatians chapter 3, beginning at verse 27,
“For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ.
There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
And if you are Christ’s, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise”
How is it that Christians so easily discard these scriptures to suit a superiority narrative?
Even in the Old Testament, God did not allow the indiscriminate killing of any people. For those that want to reference the killings committed by the Israelites, let’s go back to what God told Moses before they entered the promised land, “Do not make yourselves unclean by any of these things, for by all these the nations I am driving out before you have become unclean, and the land became unclean, so that I punished its iniquity, and the land vomited out its inhabitants.” Leviticus 8:24 & 25. God punished for sin. Sin leads to death and only God can decide life or death, because only God can know the heart of a person.
Bottom line, what Israel is doing is an abomination and they are trying to justify their actions as though God authorized them to execute collective punishment on a people that they have kept in a concentration camp for years! Every Christian should openly condemn these atrocities. But they haven’t. They support this evil boldly. Which leads me to ask why? Why are they so comfortable and so unwilling to condemn what is obviously wicked? It is my belief that deep down, they still believe there is a distinction. That it is their duty to support the destruction of anyone that threatens their way of life. That is not a characteristic of a Christian. We are commanded to live peaceably amongst all men. “Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord”, Hebrews 12:14. We are to pursue peace so that people will see the Lord in us.
If you as a Christian are still supporting this genocide, I want to encourage you to ask yourself why. To search your heart to find out why you are still holding on to what is not true. Knowing this, “And He has made from one blood every nation of men to dwell on all the face of the earth, and has determined their preappointed times and the boundaries of their dwellings”, Acts 17:26. This includes every nation, including the Palestinians.
Every people is entitled to self determination not by the will of man but through God’s design.
Peace will never come to the Middle East as long as a Zionist apartheid state is given continued support. Take away the support and their regime dies.
So my question is this, will “Christians” continue to throw our support behind people that consider us dogs or are we ready to remove our support until they dismantle their system of hate that has destabilized an entire region for three quarters of a century?
“But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.” James 3:17
Who benefits from your anger and hatred? Is it you? And in what way?
Does your life expand positively because you hate your neighbor or your co-worker? If it does, how?
Do you get a warm and cozy feeling, when your government tells you to a pick a side? If it does, would you please share with all of us?
Would you have visited your friend in the hospital, if you hadn’t heard on the news that because of the color of their skin you can’t be friends?
Or I know, this side or the other is better because they agree with everything you believe and say?
What if I told you that your real enemy is the one that you can’t see pulling the strings, would you believe me? Or would you just say I can’t believe you because they didn’t say that on the news? Or in the school?
Have you ever stepped back to consider, who may benefit from your hatred and your blues? Is it really your co-worker or neighbor or the random person in the store?
Or is there more?
The Bible says, “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” I Peter 5:8
Friends, your enemy is not the person that you work with or doesn’t look like you. It is the one that allows the devil to rule in their lives. That includes your favorite celebrities and authorities.
It is also the people who benefit from pain and suffering. Those hidden from sight.
The next time the media or the government tells you to believe something, ask yourself, who benefits from division and strife? I can almost guarantee you, it isn’t who you think it is.
Hello Friends! I know it’s been a while since I’ve posted on my blog. Though unintentional, I’ve been busy with developing a new outlet for my content. Podcasting! Grief + Grace launched on October 9, 2023.
Starting next week, you’ll be able to read the topics that I share on my podcast.
Until then, please click on my Podcast page and listen to the first three episodes and leave a 5 star review, if you’re so inclined. ❤️
This is an overdue post. I should have written it in the midst of the visit, but I was enjoying the fellowship too much to pen it all down until now.
Last week, I had the opportunity to put my money where my mouth is. When I decided to purchase our home here in Alabama, I asked the Lord to let it be a place for hospitality and for Bible study, much in the way my family home was when I was growing up. However, my home is not fully furnished yet ( we donated most of our furniture before we moved) and that was my excuse, but that didn’t deter my friends Amy and Alan from coming here for a visit. In fact, the morning of their arrival, I still wasn’t ready, but we got it together before they rang our doorbell that Saturday evening.
Their visit, challenged me to let go of my preconceived ideas that everything has to be perfect before you can host someone. Since the kitchen is the hub of the home it’s where we spent all of our time when weren’t out and about or sleeping. Alan landscaped my front yard as a housewarming gift. They even purchased a few much needed items for us, just because they wanted too. We worshiped together, we ate together, cooked meals, shopped ( founds some amazing items in my local thrift stores) and had the opportunity to fellowship with another couple from my local congregation. But I believe the most impactful part of the visit was on my daughter. She got to have a father figure in her life for several days and to see a godly couple in our home. She witnessed the template! That was by far the best part of the visit to me.
Though, Amy and Alan are off on their next adventure, and I may not see them again for a couple of months, I’m so grateful that through the blood of Jesus Christ, they are my family. And I am secretly praying that they will settle here in northern Alabama after they have seen the whole of the United States.
I could go on and on about how much their visit meant to me, but I’d never stop writing. I guess what I really want to convey is that oftentimes the people who love on you the most may not be your physical family and in my case that has absolutely been true. The people who have walked with me through my grief journey have been my friends and brothers and sisters in Christ and for them I forever grateful.
“And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or lands, for My name’s sake, shall receive a hundredfold, and inherit eternal life.” Matthew 19:29.
After living here in northern Alabama for ten months, I can definitively say that is a true statement for us.
I am a Southern girl, plain and simple. I have no aspirations to live anywhere else. I tried Chicago when I was in my early thirties, but two winters in the “Windy City”, made it abundantly clear, I would never fit in. The idea of wearing “long johns” under your clothes well into Spring is just not appealing. But I digress; Chicago, in all of its splendor is just not my kind of town or vibe. You may take the girl out of the country, but you just can’t take the country out of the girl. There are a set of values and sensibilities that were built in during my upbringing that just wouldn’t allow me to thrive there. So, I returned to the South and have never looked back.
Though, I moved back to home state of North Carolina after I left Chicago, a series of life events later led me to Georgia and of course the death of my son in February of 2022, led me to the heart of Dixie, also known as Alabama and once again, I haven’t looked back. While it may have surprised my family and friends back in North Carolina and Georgia even, that I would make such a bold move, I know that I hit the jackpot on this side of heaven when we moved here.
After praying, researching and visiting we decided to make northern Alabama our new home and after six months of renting, we knew it was time to put down some roots, so we bought our home in February, exactly one year and seven days after the death of our beloved, Ethan.
Here is what I want you to know, no matter what the elites may say about the south, here is the truth, we love God, we love our families and we love our country. We love our values and our traditions and we refuse to compromise or bow down to the woke mob no matter how many obscenities or censoring they do. We answer to God and it is Him alone that we want to please or at least that is the case in my house. There is no better quote to me, than what Joshua, had to say, thousands of years ago, “And if it seems evil to you to you to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” Joshua 24:15. Friend, that is the exact quote you will see when you enter my house.
So, if serving the Lord or living an upright moral life is not for you, please be advised that the south is not for you. We don’t want a new way of living that will violate, what we believe and know to be true. By the way, that is not being hateful. Telling you the truth is the ultimate act of love.
I admit it, I’ve neglected this space for quite some time. It’s not because I intended too, my brain has just been busy with obligations that have kept me from sitting quietly to write about what matters most…. God and family.
I’m reading and spending time in the word daily, I am trying my best to lead my teenage daughter by example and ensure that she is as engaged in the youth group at church and keeping up with her studies. But there are still times when the cares of the world pull so heavily on me that I just collapse from the weight of it all.
Two weeks ago, I bought a house. It was time for us to put down some roots once again. We are officially, Alabamans and though that is not a name I ever thought I’d carry, I see God’s hand so clearly in bringing us here. You see God knows exactly what we need and where we need to be, if we have faith and lean wholly into Him. I’m learning to do that here.
While I can say that my job is a thorn in my side, I am grateful for it because it is a daily reminder of why I need to trust and consult God in everything. My life is more than a job or checking a box. My life is meant to be lived in submission to God, sanctified and holy.
I guess what I am trying to is that I am back and ready to serve.
I’m here. My daughter is here. We are embarking on a new year and a new life with one less, my son, her brother. Even though it’s been almost a year, it still feels fresh. An open wound still not ready to close. Though, I could sit here and cry and feel sorry for myself, because I could, but I would then be denying the power of Jesus Christ in the midst of midst of my sorrow. He has never forsaken or forgotten me, He has kept every single one of His promises.
God knows and knew what He was doing when He took my boy to be with Him. For a long time, it felt like I was being punished. I still feel that way at times. But, then I reflect on all of the blessings that I have received and continue to receive even in this season of loss, this grief. There are so many emotions right now, knowing that I will never see my boy grow up. He will in my heart and mind always be eleven.
As I look forward to this new year, I will never forget what happened in 2022, a part of me will be gone forever, but through it all, I am growing stronger day by day. And I have a loving Father, who is the same today, tomorrow and forever. That is a huge comfort to me. I can believe in Him, I can trust in Him and I can share the gospel and live faithfully until my natural death. While I wait to be reunited one day with Ethan. I will accept His continual refinement so that my life might be an example of His mercy and His grace. After all, diamonds are produced under pressure.
So, what are my plans for 2023, you may ask. Stay tuned, I have so much to share. But until then know this, I will shed the remnants of fear and scarcity, that have followed me for many years. My life is too full now for those two to have any place in it. That is why for 2023, I’m going to happily invest in both of my businesses and I will continue to study the scriptures so that I might be ready to give a defense to anyone who asks for the reason for the hope that is in me.
This is not a resolution but it is a commitment to grow outside of the fear and to walk in the victory of Christ. I hope that you will join me.
You all know that 2022, has been a heart crushing year for me. Unspeakable pain. But in midst of the worst pain, Jesus has held me. He has provided and protected us and held us up and when it was impossible for either of us to stand on our own, He carried us.
And when knew it was time for us to move, He sent us to the one place that I never would have chosen myself, Northern Alabama. After living here since August, I can emphatically say that I’m so glad that I didn’t choose. When I prayed and asked Him to place us where we could grow in the word and expand His kingdom, He answered my prayer and has turned to beauty what were ashes.
God has gifted us with friends, that are more like family, Emily is involved in so much with the youth group at church, that I’ve become her chauffeur. In fact, she just attended her first sleep away camp this past week. She was so impressed and truly enjoyed being there. I’ve linked the video from there last night here. https://youtu.be/r6KdR6vN71U
The classes and the Bible studies for the adults at church has been like attending Bible college and in late January something big is coming to us, so stay tuned for that announcement.
I guess the point of this post is to say that, though we may think we know what’s best for us, only God knows exactly what we need and when. So as we close out this year and ring in the new, I’m going to praise Him and glorify Him even more because I know and I remember from whence I came.
“The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” Proverbs 16:9
Everyone wants to be loved, it is our fundamental and most basic emotion that we need to endure this life. Lives absent of love are hard, difficult and incredibly lonely.
I was in my late thirties, married and pregnant with my first child, when the unthinkable happened. My mother, my sister in Christ and very best friend died. That was the first time, that I felt to my core the absence of love. It was the first time that I felt truly alone and inconsolable. On that day, I could not imagine how I could possibly live this life without the one person who knew me better than anyone, including my husband.
I forged ahead for my daughter. I put a bandaid over that chest wound and busied myself with preparation of becoming a mother. I was fine. I functioned convincingly, until the next worst thing happened. Ethan had his first seizure at my dad’s wedding. I was forever changed that day. I left my body in anguish that day, hearing every voice around me, but incapable of responding. I only returned, when I heard the paramedic say, “your son needs you, please snap out of it!” He was right, Ethan needed me from that day forward. I became Ethan’s person and he became mine.
Countless doctors, a big from North Carolina to Georgia, with the bright eyed belief that I would find the answers that would take the seizures and autism away. I read, I researched, I consulted. He would improve and then he would slide back. Always following those seizures. I hate seizures.
With every setback I forged ahead, determined that the ship would turn for my Ethan. He was my focus. Eventually my body broke down, autoimmunity moved into my once healthy body. One month later, it became too much for husband to bear, so with a simple text, he wanted out. For nine months, we occupied the same house. He filed for divorce, I accepted without a fight. Why? Because it never should have been. A divorce was the relief that I needed to fight for my son and to nurture my daughter without the demands of a counterfeit marriage.
Life became harder, but then it would get better. Ethan would do well and just when I thought we had cleared a hurdle, there would be something. But we always rebounded. Always. But then one day, we didn’t. Ethan died. And once again, that deep gut wrenching hurt absence of love came back. How could this have happened? Countless ambulance rides, two life threatening weeks in the hospital. But we always turned it around. Until we didn’t. Why Lord, why?
I still think about that day and wonder why or what I could have done. I know that even if God gave me an answer, what comfort would it give me? Ethan isn’t coming back. I have to go to him.
So, when I prayed and asked for direction for Emily and I, He led us to northern Alabama. The one place I never expected to live but now can’t imagine living anywhere else.
While I still don’t understand why my life had to go this way, I can say that my soul is no longer wandering, because I have finally found my home.
One Mom Growing in her Faith with Grace 