What have I learned over the past two years since the death of my dear Ethan? That is a hard question, but I will do my best to summarize a few.
First, I pray that anyone reading this never has to experience the loss of their child. There are just no words to describe that level of pain. And for anyone who still believes or says, “God will never put more on you than you can handle,” please retire that statement. It’s not biblical and it is not helpful.
Look at what the Apostle Paul writes here about tremendous pain and struggle.
“For we do not want you to be unaware, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. [9] Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead. [10] He delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will deliver us again”. 2 Corinthians 1:8-10
While we don’t know specifically what occurred in Asia, we do know that it was so bad that he felt like they had received the sentence of death. Here is the point, instead of walking away and doubting God, they relied on Him to deliver them from their peril or situation. They stayed the course. In this valley, I too have learned to rely on God and stay the course.
The second point, I’ll make is that only God, can heal this kind of hurt.
The Bible says in Psalm 34:18- The LORD is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit and in
Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.
When people ask me how I have been able to keep going, I tell them this. I take God at His word. In Matthew 5:4, He says, this,
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”
I cannot tell you how true that is. So many people came to my side to help me. There is still much goodness in the world. God does bring the people into your life that can comfort you and support when the best you can do is breathe.
Fourth, I can do the hard things. I relocated us to Alabama in August of 2022, knowing no one. But because of who God is, God gave us a biblically sound church family and opportunities to serve and to glorify Him in His kingdom.
Would I have wanted to lose my son, to be here now? No, but I have the hope in knowing that though Ethan went ahead of me, if I endure to the end I will someday be in the presence of Jesus and see my beautiful boy again.
“But the one who endures to the end will be saved.” Matthew 24:13
I have been thinking about the genocide taking place in Palestine for weeks now, debating whether this was something that I should tackle on my social media or on my blog. After going back and forth, I thought that it would be best to share my thoughts on my blog where I can speak freely and without censorship.
When the new year began, I had decided that I would stay away from the things that cause me stress or at least limit my exposure to it. But after several days, I guess about two weeks into the new year, I realized that was unsustainable for me. I care too much. I despise evil and wrongdoing and while I can’t physically stop what is happening, I do have a voice and I can certainly speak out against it.
As a Christian, it is our obligation to shun all forms of evil. We are to hate what God hates, in fact in Proverbs 6:16, it says, “There are six things that the Lord hates, seven that are abomination to him; haughty eyes, a lying tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked plans, feet that make haste to run to evil, a false witness who breathes out lies, and one who sows discord among brothers.” Do you realize that the whole world including my country has stood back and watched Israel do all of those things in a matter of months without impunity?
They have literally executed all of the things that God hates on another group of people, people that God himself made in His own image. Why is this okay? Where is the outrage? Where is the righteous anger? But I think what bothers me just as much, maybe more are the “Christians” that repeat like parrots, “Israel has a right to defend itself and we have to defend them because they are God’s chosen people.”
How is it that a person who claims to be a Christian can repeat and support something that is not biblically accurate? Jesus himself states, in John 8:24, “I told you that you would die in your sins, for unless you believe that I am he you will die in your sins. And in Matthew 7:21, Jesus says, “Not everyone who says to me, “Lord, Lord,” will enter the kingdom of heaven, but the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.” In other words, those who believe in Jesus and do the will of the God, are God’s chosen people. Furthermore, we live under the new covenant, as Paul so eloquently states, in Galatians chapter 3, beginning at verse 27,
“For as many of you as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ.
There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
And if you are Christ’s, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise”
How is it that Christians so easily discard these scriptures to suit a superiority narrative?
Even in the Old Testament, God did not allow the indiscriminate killing of any people. For those that want to reference the killings committed by the Israelites, let’s go back to what God told Moses before they entered the promised land, “Do not make yourselves unclean by any of these things, for by all these the nations I am driving out before you have become unclean, and the land became unclean, so that I punished its iniquity, and the land vomited out its inhabitants.” Leviticus 8:24 & 25. God punished for sin. Sin leads to death and only God can decide life or death, because only God can know the heart of a person.
Bottom line, what Israel is doing is an abomination and they are trying to justify their actions as though God authorized them to execute collective punishment on a people that they have kept in a concentration camp for years! Every Christian should openly condemn these atrocities. But they haven’t. They support this evil boldly. Which leads me to ask why? Why are they so comfortable and so unwilling to condemn what is obviously wicked? It is my belief that deep down, they still believe there is a distinction. That it is their duty to support the destruction of anyone that threatens their way of life. That is not a characteristic of a Christian. We are commanded to live peaceably amongst all men. “Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord”, Hebrews 12:14. We are to pursue peace so that people will see the Lord in us.
If you as a Christian are still supporting this genocide, I want to encourage you to ask yourself why. To search your heart to find out why you are still holding on to what is not true. Knowing this, “And He has made from one blood every nation of men to dwell on all the face of the earth, and has determined their preappointed times and the boundaries of their dwellings”, Acts 17:26. This includes every nation, including the Palestinians.
Every people is entitled to self determination not by the will of man but through God’s design.
Peace will never come to the Middle East as long as a Zionist apartheid state is given continued support. Take away the support and their regime dies.
So my question is this, will “Christians” continue to throw our support behind people that consider us dogs or are we ready to remove our support until they dismantle their system of hate that has destabilized an entire region for three quarters of a century?
“But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.” James 3:17
Who benefits from your anger and hatred? Is it you? And in what way?
Does your life expand positively because you hate your neighbor or your co-worker? If it does, how?
Do you get a warm and cozy feeling, when your government tells you to a pick a side? If it does, would you please share with all of us?
Would you have visited your friend in the hospital, if you hadn’t heard on the news that because of the color of their skin you can’t be friends?
Or I know, this side or the other is better because they agree with everything you believe and say?
What if I told you that your real enemy is the one that you can’t see pulling the strings, would you believe me? Or would you just say I can’t believe you because they didn’t say that on the news? Or in the school?
Have you ever stepped back to consider, who may benefit from your hatred and your blues? Is it really your co-worker or neighbor or the random person in the store?
Or is there more?
The Bible says, “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.” I Peter 5:8
Friends, your enemy is not the person that you work with or doesn’t look like you. It is the one that allows the devil to rule in their lives. That includes your favorite celebrities and authorities.
It is also the people who benefit from pain and suffering. Those hidden from sight.
The next time the media or the government tells you to believe something, ask yourself, who benefits from division and strife? I can almost guarantee you, it isn’t who you think it is.
I am a Southern girl, plain and simple. I have no aspirations to live anywhere else. I tried Chicago when I was in my early thirties, but two winters in the “Windy City”, made it abundantly clear, I would never fit in. The idea of wearing “long johns” under your clothes well into Spring is just not appealing. But I digress; Chicago, in all of its splendor is just not my kind of town or vibe. You may take the girl out of the country, but you just can’t take the country out of the girl. There are a set of values and sensibilities that were built in during my upbringing that just wouldn’t allow me to thrive there. So, I returned to the South and have never looked back.
Though, I moved back to home state of North Carolina after I left Chicago, a series of life events later led me to Georgia and of course the death of my son in February of 2022, led me to the heart of Dixie, also known as Alabama and once again, I haven’t looked back. While it may have surprised my family and friends back in North Carolina and Georgia even, that I would make such a bold move, I know that I hit the jackpot on this side of heaven when we moved here.
After praying, researching and visiting we decided to make northern Alabama our new home and after six months of renting, we knew it was time to put down some roots, so we bought our home in February, exactly one year and seven days after the death of our beloved, Ethan.
Here is what I want you to know, no matter what the elites may say about the south, here is the truth, we love God, we love our families and we love our country. We love our values and our traditions and we refuse to compromise or bow down to the woke mob no matter how many obscenities or censoring they do. We answer to God and it is Him alone that we want to please or at least that is the case in my house. There is no better quote to me, than what Joshua, had to say, thousands of years ago, “And if it seems evil to you to you to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods which your fathers served that were on the other side of the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” Joshua 24:15. Friend, that is the exact quote you will see when you enter my house.
So, if serving the Lord or living an upright moral life is not for you, please be advised that the south is not for you. We don’t want a new way of living that will violate, what we believe and know to be true. By the way, that is not being hateful. Telling you the truth is the ultimate act of love.
I’m here. My daughter is here. We are embarking on a new year and a new life with one less, my son, her brother. Even though it’s been almost a year, it still feels fresh. An open wound still not ready to close. Though, I could sit here and cry and feel sorry for myself, because I could, but I would then be denying the power of Jesus Christ in the midst of midst of my sorrow. He has never forsaken or forgotten me, He has kept every single one of His promises.
God knows and knew what He was doing when He took my boy to be with Him. For a long time, it felt like I was being punished. I still feel that way at times. But, then I reflect on all of the blessings that I have received and continue to receive even in this season of loss, this grief. There are so many emotions right now, knowing that I will never see my boy grow up. He will in my heart and mind always be eleven.
As I look forward to this new year, I will never forget what happened in 2022, a part of me will be gone forever, but through it all, I am growing stronger day by day. And I have a loving Father, who is the same today, tomorrow and forever. That is a huge comfort to me. I can believe in Him, I can trust in Him and I can share the gospel and live faithfully until my natural death. While I wait to be reunited one day with Ethan. I will accept His continual refinement so that my life might be an example of His mercy and His grace. After all, diamonds are produced under pressure.
So, what are my plans for 2023, you may ask. Stay tuned, I have so much to share. But until then know this, I will shed the remnants of fear and scarcity, that have followed me for many years. My life is too full now for those two to have any place in it. That is why for 2023, I’m going to happily invest in both of my businesses and I will continue to study the scriptures so that I might be ready to give a defense to anyone who asks for the reason for the hope that is in me.
This is not a resolution but it is a commitment to grow outside of the fear and to walk in the victory of Christ. I hope that you will join me.
You all know that 2022, has been a heart crushing year for me. Unspeakable pain. But in midst of the worst pain, Jesus has held me. He has provided and protected us and held us up and when it was impossible for either of us to stand on our own, He carried us.
And when knew it was time for us to move, He sent us to the one place that I never would have chosen myself, Northern Alabama. After living here since August, I can emphatically say that I’m so glad that I didn’t choose. When I prayed and asked Him to place us where we could grow in the word and expand His kingdom, He answered my prayer and has turned to beauty what were ashes.
God has gifted us with friends, that are more like family, Emily is involved in so much with the youth group at church, that I’ve become her chauffeur. In fact, she just attended her first sleep away camp this past week. She was so impressed and truly enjoyed being there. I’ve linked the video from there last night here. https://youtu.be/r6KdR6vN71U
The classes and the Bible studies for the adults at church has been like attending Bible college and in late January something big is coming to us, so stay tuned for that announcement.
I guess the point of this post is to say that, though we may think we know what’s best for us, only God knows exactly what we need and when. So as we close out this year and ring in the new, I’m going to praise Him and glorify Him even more because I know and I remember from whence I came.
“The heart of a man plans his way, but the Lord establishes his steps.” Proverbs 16:9
Who would I be without You? Without You, my life would be a heap of ashes, without a hope and without a future. Without You, I would barely be hanging on. Without You, my words would have no meaning, my life a waste. Without you, I would be unsaved and destined for damnation. Without You, I’d never know that love is patient and is kind.
I pray that I will never forget, Who you are and all you have done for me; because I never want to live this life without You.
“With my whole heart I seek you; let me not wander from your commandments!” Psalm 119:10
It’s been four months since my precious son left this life and there isn’t one day that I don’t think of him. It’s not possible for me to forget the joy that he brought into my life. He made me a warrior, a fighter, he made me brave.
I try to stay busy, because sitting with my thoughts for too long is too hard. I have to pack, but it seems like I barely get started before I stop. I know that it needs to be done, but for some reason, I can find a million distractions. I wonder if it’s because part of me feels like packing makes his death final or is just a reminder that this next journey doesn’t include him.
I know that God has him. There is no doubt in my mind that he is healed and happy. I’m just sad that it didn’t happen for me to see. Sometimes, I find myself calling him to come and give me a hug, I just want to hold him and snuggle. But he doesn’t come. Maybe he doesn’t miss me in the way that I miss him.
I still wonder why he had to leave and I know that I may never get the answers that I am seeking. I guess I just want to know why I had to go through another hurt so deep that breathing hurts. But God doesn’t owe me an explanation so I’ll accept that His grace is sufficient.
Besides I guess none of us gets to leave this planet without some amount of sorrow. Just seems that I have had enough for two lifetimes. Maybe there is a lesson in that for me to learn. I guess, I need to figure it out, because I am tired of walking through sorrow and having grief as a constant companion.
Perhaps, I’ll wake up one day and grief will be gone and if she is, I pray that I am ready for the day.
Two months ago today my son went to be with Jesus. Most days it is still so hard for me to process, even if I make it seem as though I am. I still struggle with what could I have done differently that day, that would have kept him here. Then there are times I walk by his room and want to cry out in anguish that he is not here. But then I remember who controls it all. The one who gives the birds outside my window in the mornings their song to sing. The one who breathes life into me and my daughter every single day. He is the one who gives peace we are too finite to understand. In my anguish I can still have peace and know that every single tear that falls from my eyes he notices and catches in his hands. I am never alone or forgotten, his hugs never expire.
I fall down on my knees in gratitude. I will never stop serving the Lord.
On February 7, 2022, my only son died. I don’t know why, the autopsy did not provide that answer. In fact, we are still waiting to learn what could have gone wrong. Perhaps, we will never know. Would knowing even quench my grief or would it just leave me wondering what I could have done to stop it?
My son was the joy of my heart, he was an amazing kid. Though he had autism diagnosis (vaccine injury) and epilepsy (another vaccine injury), his heart was so big! He loved so big! My heart grew bigger because of him. His challenges made me draw closer to God for answers and guidance, but after countless treatments, divorce and relocation, I arrived at acceptance. Acceptance that he would always live with me and I would always live with him. I was his person and he was mine.
This only came to me two weeks prior to his death, which was right around his eleventh birthday. I had finally come to accept the love that he always had for me and readily embraced it with my whole heart and soul. Though I had always led him by the hand, I had finally accepted that he would now lead me. And he did.
There is so much to write and say about my sweet boy; eventually I will. But today, I am writing about the grief and the gut wrenching sadness I feel because he is no longer here for me to drive to therapy everyday or to drive his sister nuts. I grieve because he never had the opportunity to reach his fullest potential. I grieve because everyday going forward won’t include him. Trips we plan to take and adventures we are sure to have will not include him. I grieve because my heart loved a little boy that was only with me for a little while. I grieve because I just miss him.
I know that he is perfect in the arms of Jesus. I know that he is doing all the things that he was unable to do here on Earth. I know that he is waiting to be reunited with me someday. But I also know that I will never be the same because I loved him and he loved me. That piece of my heart that is now broken will never be repaired because it can’t, it belonged to Ethan Evan and always will.
My life will never be the same nor should it be, but it will forever be changed. I can only hope, for the better.
“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. “ Psalm 34:18
One Mom Growing in her Faith with Grace 