Blog

Grief

Lonely

I am lonely. There I said it. Not in the way that most people would think. I am lonely in the sense that the one constant that anchored me, my son is no longer here. I feel like a boat with no real direction or a place that I should be. No real sense of belonging.

Before I knew that Ethan he was a he, I knew that I was pregnant with a boy, I knew he was my son. I had dreams of all the things he would do and would eventually become and I was grateful. I was grateful that once again, I would be a mother. Two children to love and nurture. That would be a blessed life.

Even when he received a diagnosis of autism and later, epilepsy and PANDAS, and my dreams changed for him, I still knew that he would be here and whatever he would need, I’d in some way be able to provide. That’s part of a being a mother, right? I mean it never would have occurred to me that I was only meant to be his mom for a short time instead of a lifetime.

Most days I am fine since his death. But lately, I find myself sobbing before I drift off to sleep each night. I know that God is with me and He sees me. I am comforted daily by His loving hands, but it is in those moments that I miss Ethan the most. I miss his hugs, I miss his smiles, I miss his innocence and his unconditional love. I miss my boy, my only son. I miss being his person and holding his hand. I miss talking to him, though he could not talk back. I just miss him.

This is my new normal. This is my normal and what I must accept for the sake of my daughter. She missed so much of me when her brother was here and has grown up so much; but she still needs me. She needs me to teach her all of the things that I thought she would just pick up because I told her or showed her one or two times. Turns out she needed me too, she just didn’t ask because she knew that Ethan needed me more.

While I don’t understand, why Ethan had to go or why I still have to navigate my life without him, I will accept and be assured that Ethan is with God and is waiting for me to be reunited with him one day. That is my hope.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18

Thank you Lord for allowing me to be Ethan’s mom for eleven years. I will always be grateful.

Always in Christ,

AngelaChristine

The three of us
Faith, Grief, Love

In My Grief, I Will Be Grateful

Two months ago today my son went to be with Jesus. Most days it is still so hard for me to process, even if I make it seem as though I am.
I still struggle with what could I have done differently that day, that would have kept him here. Then there are times I walk by his room and want to cry out in anguish that he is not here.
But then I remember who controls it all. The one who gives the birds outside my window in the mornings their song to sing. The one who breathes life into me and my daughter every single day. He is the one who gives peace we are too finite to understand.
In my anguish I can still have peace and know that every single tear that falls from my eyes he notices and catches in his hands.
I am never alone or forgotten, his hugs never expire.

I fall down on my knees in gratitude. I will never stop serving the Lord.

Always in Christ,
AngelaChristine

Belief, Mindset

We Are What We Believe

What occupies your mind? Does your work align with your values and beliefs?

I spent nearly 24 years of my life trading my time for a paycheck. In that time, I sacrificed what was most important, not because i wanted to, but because I thought that I had no choice. Ultimately, my only son died as a result of choices that I thought we right, but later learned that they were wrong, it was a hazard of the profession that I had chosen.

Since my son’s death I have had many sleepless nights and more time to study the Bible and to remember what my purpose is here on this earth. I have had the opportunity to speak to my sisters in Christ about maintaining their physical health and the best gift was witnessing my daughter commit her life to Christ through baptism into his kingdom. Acts 2:38.

We only get one life and in the grand scheme of it all, it is short. So while there is still breath in my body, I will heed the advice of King Solomon, who penned, “ The end of the matter, all has been heard. Fear God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of man. For God will bring every deed into judgment, with every secret thing, whether good or evil.”
Ecclesiastes 12:13&14

So again, I ask, “what occupies your mind?”

Belief, Faith, Family, Love, Sadness

Grief and Love

On February 7, 2022, my only son died. I don’t know why, the autopsy did not provide that answer. In fact, we are still waiting to learn what could have gone wrong. Perhaps, we will never know. Would knowing even quench my grief or would it just leave me wondering what I could have done to stop it?

My son was the joy of my heart, he was an amazing kid. Though he had autism diagnosis (vaccine injury) and epilepsy (another vaccine injury), his heart was so big! He loved so big! My heart grew bigger because of him. His challenges made me draw closer to God for answers and guidance, but after countless treatments, divorce and relocation, I arrived at acceptance. Acceptance that he would always live with me and I would always live with him. I was his person and he was mine.

This only came to me two weeks prior to his death, which was right around his eleventh birthday. I had finally come to accept the love that he always had for me and readily embraced it with my whole heart and soul. Though I had always led him by the hand, I had finally accepted that he would now lead me. And he did.

There is so much to write and say about my sweet boy; eventually I will. But today, I am writing about the grief and the gut wrenching sadness I feel because he is no longer here for me to drive to therapy everyday or to drive his sister nuts. I grieve because he never had the opportunity to reach his fullest potential. I grieve because everyday going forward won’t include him. Trips we plan to take and adventures we are sure to have will not include him. I grieve because my heart loved a little boy that was only with me for a little while. I grieve because I just miss him.

I know that he is perfect in the arms of Jesus. I know that he is doing all the things that he was unable to do here on Earth. I know that he is waiting to be reunited with me someday. But I also know that I will never be the same because I loved him and he loved me. That piece of my heart that is now broken will never be repaired because it can’t, it belonged to Ethan Evan and always will.

My life will never be the same nor should it be, but it will forever be changed. I can only hope, for the better.

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. “ Psalm 34:18

Always Ethan’s mom,

AngelaChristine

Mindset

Still There Is Much to Say

Northern Lights

I apologize that I have skipped a few weeks of writing. My mind has been elsewhere with taking care of children and building a business. It seems that when I try to write, the words don’t flow as freely as they once did. I guess I am too often in my head.

I am too often in my head because I prioritize myself instead of you, the people who have been so kind and supportive of this blog. So, let me say this, you are all in my thoughts and I will be releasing new material soon. Until then, know that this space has been a blessing to me as I continue to grow outside of my comfort zone.

Even when we know we’ve outgrown our shell there is something comforting that keeps us holding on. I find myself in that space more often than I would like to be. But it’s time and there is still so much more that I want and need to say.

In Christian love,

AngelaChristine

Belief, Faith, Friendship, Mindset

I Get Paid To Do What I Love

Most people spend a lifetime working and building someone else’s dream. Planning one’s life around two weeks of vacation and that three percent raise. Oh and then there is the retirement, annual meetings to make sure you have enough to last through your golden years. That was me until I got divorced.

I mean I was comfortable climbing the corporate ladder. It was okay to have a company car, travel and vacation once or twice a year; but when I was faced with two life altering experiences, autism and epilepsy followed by divorce. I had to rethink what I thought made sense because in my new life, it no longer made sense.

So I made a decision to walk away from my comfort zone. To push myself out on the edge, because now that I am 50, sitting in the easy chair, isn’t easy. It’s hard, it’s lonely and it’s meaningless. Serving others gives meaning. Six years ago, I moved to Georgia for the sake of my son. I asked my daughter to make a sacrifice and my husband at the time to do the same. The transition was harder than I imagined, painful actually. The struggle was real. We endured and we still endure. My children and I endure, my ex-husband decided he was done, so he moved on.

But there is light, fortunately there is always light, if you’re willing to walk into it. So I did. I decided that time and financial freedom were worth every bit of pain and sorrow I’ve experienced these past six years. What I have to look forward is only going to get better. Not because I have a crystal ball, but because I finally get to do the one thing that really matters, and that is to love and to serve.

Today, I received a comment on a post from one of the individuals, I have been fortunate to serve through Plexus. She reminded me as to why I love this job so much. It is to give hope through health, gut health specifically. I don’t have to create the products, I just have to share how everyone can benefit, if taken properly and consistently. That was just the boost that I needed to push myself these final weeks of 2021. So I will. Will you join me?

“But the word is very near you. It is in your mouth and in your heart, so that you can do it.” Deuteronomy 30:14

It is and I will do it!

In Christian love,

AngelaChristine

Testimony
Belief, Faith, Family, Holidays

Why I No Longer Celebrate Christmas

I’m sure that this post will come as a bit of a shock for most people who know me personally as well as those who read this blog, I will no longer be celebrating the holiday known as Christmas. My reasons are simple, there are no scriptural references to this holiday and two it is rooted in idolatry and not the gospel. Christmas was first celebrated in 336 AD, three hundred and three years after the church of Christ was established in Jerusalem. https://www.christianity.com/church/church-history/timeline/301-600/the-1st-recorded-celebration-of-christmas-11629658.html

Sure, I celebrated Christmas as a child with my family. I have the fondest memories of Nana(my mother’s mother) coming over first thing in the morning to open gifts and have breakfast with us. I remember waking up before the sun came up just to see what was under the tree for me and to make sure that my brothers didn’t receive more than I did. Oh and of course there was Christmas dinner at my other grandmother’s house every Christmas evening, until we moved to Florida. So many beautiful memories are tied to that holiday. But when I shifted from child to adult, the real celebration was my mother’s birthday. She was actually born on December 25.

It’s been thirteen years since her death and the idea of celebrating another commercial holiday without her is just not something I am looking forward to. If you’ve read this far, you’re probably saying to yourself, what about your children, don’t you want to make the holiday special for them? Of course I would, but what made this holiday special for me and for others is the joy of family. They don’t have that. There is no family nearby to celebrate with. Not even close friends. There are no gifts from their grandfather, uncles or cousins to put under the tree. It is once again just us.

If I were to decorate the tree and plan out the day, the only people that would be present would be just us three. There will no gifts or invitations to celebrate the day. Always us. While I could create traditions of our own, what would be the point? Their only memories of the day they don’t have to celebrate would be of their mom stretching herself and running herself ragged just to place a few gifts under the tree. What would be different then about that day than any other day of the year?

So yes, we will create a new tradition and that it will always include spending time together, traveling and perhaps doing something that we have not done previously. It might even be a day of watching family movies and cooking and eating family meals that we prepared together. But it will not be spending like crazy on a day that has absolutely nothing to do with my salvation or theirs.

I will never criticize anyone for celebrating Christmas, because it is certainly a personal choice. But as for us, we will abstain and do something else. We will rejoice and be glad that Jesus came to earth and died on the cross for our sins and rose from the grave so that we might have salvation. And that is worth celebrating!

In Christian love,

AngelaChristine

Wellness

Gut Health Supplements That Work

Plexus Triplex

If you have been following my blog for a while, you probably know that in addition to my loving the Lord, I am very much into health and wellness. In fact, I am currently working towards obtaining my certification in functional nutrition. Lord willing, I will be certified in February 2022. Yay!

If you been following the news, you’ve probably heard all about the importance of gut health and it’s impact on our overall health. Particularly, in autoimmune conditions that occur as a result of genetics, leaky gut (food sensitivities) and bacterial or microbial imbalances (infections). While autoimmunity cannot be cured it can be reversed or put into remission through diet, supplements and lifestyle modifications.

Prior to my Hashimoto’s diagnosis three years ago, I was struggling with many of the symptoms that were clearly indicative of autoimmunity, debilitating fatigue, weight gain, hair loss, low libido, insomnia and joint pain. This obviously was problematic because I was working full time, homeschooling and of course trying to manage my son’s therapies and to maintain my marriage that was on skid row at that time as well.

Before receiving a formal diagnosis, I reached out to a friend on Facebook and asked her what she was doing to maintain her health and sanity. She mentioned that she was an Ambassador with Plexus. I had never heard of them, but I figured if she could look as healthy as she did with a life similar to mine, her products were worth trying. So I did! I ordered Triplex. It includes three products that work with your body to heal.

The three products in Triplex are BioCleanse, ProBio5 and Slim. These three products in combination, weed, seed and feed the gut. Let me explain how they work. The BioCleanse, works in three ways, it provides magnesium, a key mineral for the digestive tract and brain. Vitamin C, that provides antioxidant support and citrus bioflavonoids that are anti inflammatory, antiviral and help in a myriad of other ways, not to mention the fact it helps you to have more consistent bowel movements.

The ProBio5 is our flagship probiotic formula that doesn’t require refrigeration. What makes it unique is that has specific probiotic strains to help with serotonin production, immune support and to help balance yeast and a lot more.

Finally, there is our Slim, also known as our pink drink. There are two versions, one for hunger control and the other provides the prebiotics for the probiotics in the ProBio5. But what makes both versions stand out is that they each have green coffee bean extract, which helps maintain healthy blood glucose levels and it helps to enhance fat burning. The chromium polynicotinate, helps to facilitate glucose transport into the cells, which is extremely important for people who are insulin resistant or have type 2 diabetes.

These three products work synergistically with the body to improve nutrient absorption, balance blood sugar, improve sleep, bowel regularity and to aid in weight loss. What surprised me about these products was how quickly they helped me. Remember all of those symptoms that I had at the beginning of this post, well they were gone or significantly reduced at about the three to four month mark.

If you’re wondering why I continue to take them, it’s simple, maintaining good health is a journey not a destination. Our bodies are constantly bombarded with environmental toxins, stress and the occasional food infraction, which means you will always need some type of system in place to keep your body functioning optimally. My body has a lot to do everyday, so I would prefer to keep it as healthy as possible for as long as possible.

If you’re wondering whether products can help you meet your health and wellness goals, then I want to invite you to speak with me. Or read more about this system here. https://guthealth.plexusworldwide.com/triplex. Being healthy and feeling good does not have to be optional.

In Christian love,

AngelaChristine